Hubby putting us off-budget

Landlords are out of control

I am a married man and we are blessed with three kids. Our marriage is a happy one and we are in our mid 40’s. We do not own a property of our own so we are tenants. Amai, we are going through hell! We have been reduced to second class citizens because of our status.

We are treated like trash and yet we feel we are giving them the life they are so proud of. When it comes to rentals, there is no order at all. Whenever they need money be it mid-month or whenever they will knock and say pay now. We are failing to meet their demands as they are always asking for provisions.

When they borrow money they do not pay back. They say “we will square up with rentals”. I hate it when my children are introduced as vana vemuroja wekuseri, I have a name! We do not go to the same church but each time they have house prayers we are forced to attend. My wife is expected to contribute eats and take part in the cleaning of their house. This type of life is just not sustainable what can we do?

We are scared to complain in case we are sent packing we have nowhere to go. The worst is when they have many visitors they will just impose some of them on us for bedding using our blankets.

Response

Your letter made my reading very sad. Tenants have rights just like landlords do. I think your landlord is really off track and has crossed the line. She has no right over your personal stuff at all. Accommodation is hard to come by especially when you have a family but you should not just throw yourself about because of desperation. You should sit down with your landlord and agree on how things are going to be done. You spell out what you expect and the same applies to the landlord.

That agreement should be signed and adhered to as much as possible as it protects both of you. If they rely on you this much then it means you are paying much more than just your rentals. You should never be enslaved unless it is through your wish. Nobody is second class, all people are equal. Speak out if you feel you are being taken advantage of.

Arrange a meeting with them and see what can come out. There should be a date when you pay your rent.

There is a rent board that looks at your rights. Similarly, there is a duration for notice in place. Remember to respect each other in your meetings because you need each other. At your age, I also urge you to look for a stand or a place of your own if you can. The children are growing up they will need a place to call home. I would be happy to hear from you after your meeting.

Hubby putting us off-budget

Thank you so much for your Sunday Mail column. I am a 30-year-old woman married to a 36-year-old man. We have three children, two girls and one boy. I am happily married. However, the problem in my home is my husband loves alcohol and this has been the main challenge in our marriage. His drinking puts us off-budget most of the time. He is always mobbed by his drinking friends that consider him an ATM.

He is very generous when it comes to alcohol. I hear he does not hesitate to buy and is called by his totem ‘sinyoro’ which excites him a lot.

I do not know how to come out of this one. When cash was readily available I used to steal money from his pockets, stockings and even his wallet and he would never know. I carried on until two weeks ago when I stole money from his wallet.

The idea of stealing his money was to lessen his spending power. We are both gainfully employed.

Recently, I took the money and paid for all my ruwadzano contributions. He confronted me and told me that he wanted his money back. I was surprised that he even noticed. I started this way back. I have never seen him that angry.

He says if I do not give him back he will either kick me out or he will walk out on me. I do not know what to do since I denied taking his money. Giving it back would be an admission of guilt.

Please help, I am stuck. I just do not know what to do. We have not been speaking to each other ever since. I regret this amai. I know I used the money for a good cause but got a bad result. I want to save my marriage.

Response

Thank you for writing in. Your letter shocked me to say the least, especially when you mentioned ruwadzano. You have been stealing from your husband for so long, hapana kuwadzana apa. What you have been doing opposes Christian values. You were actually stealing from yourself, two wrongs will never make a right. I personally think it was not noble to take stolen money to church.

Its dirty money! Your idea to cripple his spending power was noble but wrongly executed. You thought he did not know and yet he was aware of your shenanigans. I have no doubt that is why he is so angry. My advice may sound harsh but remember it is only the truth that can set you free. For this, I do not even think you need a third person the two of you can solve it. All you need to do is to swallow your pride and make a confession. Tell him what has been going on and why. Pour out and ask for forgiveness.

Give him back the amount you took recently because that is the point at issue. If you cannot since you used it for ruwadzano, then tell him you need more time. Take this opportunity to discuss his drinking habits and how this is affecting the family. Talk as parents about the need to save money for your children instead of wasting it on booze.

Talk to your bank and see what you can do jointly because this will limit his access to money for drinks. It is good to be generous but always remember the future is unforeseen, pressing needs may arise. After the money issue is sorted, I think there is no harm in talking to a professional counsellor and retracing your marital journey. Always remember that when you take anything that is not yours without the owner’s permission it is stealing. Pray for your family and desist from stealing. I would be happy to hear from you again.

In-laws running our lives

I am a 32-year-old woman and a mother of two. My husband is 34 and an only child. His parents do not appreciate that he is now a married man and a father. They treat him like a young boy. This unfortunately has caused him to lose all confidence. He can never do anything without consulting his parents.

His father is better because at times he says it jokingly that you are now head of your own family do your own thing. I told him that I feel offended when he asks his mother about issues that concern me as a person but he does not see anything wrong about it.

Our two kids are in school the eldest in Grade Four and the other one is in Grade Two.

As soon as schools close, my mother-inlaw comes to take the kids. It is like a standing rule that every holiday they go to their grandparents. I do not mind if this is planned.

My husband complains about this practice but he can never say it to their face. Last holiday the kids cried because they did not want to go.

I spent the day in bed because I was so upset. We need to spend time with them as well during the holidays. Both my parents are alive, they also need a turn with them during holidays. My hubby is pushing me to say something about this but I am not willing to do so since he cannot himself. If I do it will be taken out of context.

Please do not get me wrong, all I am saying is I do not want my in-laws to run our lives, we are majors. My husband is likely to be promoted and transferred to head a branch that is outside Harare. Ever since he got wind of it he has had sleepless nights because he thinks his parents will ask him to turn it down. This interference is now affecting our marriage please help. How do we make this right without breaking the family up?

Response

Many families are breaking because of saying yes when they in actual fact mean the opposite. Over consulting can be hazardous at times. When you get married and are pronounced man and wife, it means you are weaned and are capable of running your own lives. With all due respect, there is nothing wrong in telling your in-laws how you want things done. The kids should be excited about going to spend their holidays with their grandparents but crying means the opposite. Its either they are mistreated or they just do not want to go.

As a couple, you should fight in the same corner and speak with one voice. Your husband should not push you to talk to his parents on his behalf. Why are you building a storm in a teacup? This is something you can simply talk about as family over a cup of tea or so. Your husband should know where his bread is buttered.

Turning down a possible promotion just because it may not go down with his parents does not make sense at all. It is not the end of the world, he remains in the same country.

I urge you to invite your in-laws and discuss these things as a family. Your husband should take an active part. Do not play hide and seek budiranai pachena and build a healthy relationship.

Do not lose your temper when you discuss this because it can water the whole discussion down. Also, remember parents are not to be feared but respected. You are still a young couple do not let such issues strain your marriage. A happy home is conducive to the good upbringing of your beautiful kids.

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