Honeymoon phase over

I am a 26-year-old guy married to a woman aged 25. We tied the knot after dating for six months because we were madly in love and it felt amazing. We would joke, talk and have fun together. We were blessed with a son.

After the birth of our child, my wife, surprisingly, became ever busy and withdrawn. She has been insisting on having a full-time house help, but we cannot afford one.

I am the only one who is gainfully employed, while she is a full-time housewife. I ended up engaging a helper, who comes for chores once a week, but she is still unhappy.

She is moody most of the time and no longer welcomes friends and family. She no longer wants us to go out, even once a month. She always complains about household chores. We stay in a two-roomed cottage and the hygiene is not up to standard. The attitude she now shows is killing my love and interest in her. What can I do to make her happy, Amai? In your view, will she be pleased if I get a relative from my rural home to work as a house help? I am of the opinion that house helps from the family may not ask for commercial payment. Please, help.

Response

I am saddened by the change of pace your relationship has taken. It takes both parties to keep the flame burning. On her moodiness, you need to try to get a third party to counsel both of you. It could be a person from church, or a close elderly relative.

There could be bigger issues at play that you are not aware of. As for getting a house help, do not exploit your underprivileged relatives. If you are not going to pay them, how else are they going to be remunerated?

I urge all my readers to go for premarital counselling to discuss a wide array of topics, including finance and how to raise children. This will better prepare you for the future.

As for the poor hygiene, you can voice your opinion on the matter. Are there ways through which you can help?

What contributes the most to the mess in the house? This one should be relatively easy. One weekend of organising and cleaning should do the trick. You seem to be the only one trying. I wish she would meet you halfway. Push for dialogue and mediation. It shall be well.

Neighbours invade our privacy

I am a nursing sister and my husband is an indigenous businessman. We are blessed with two kids, and get on very well. My in-laws are both retired and live on their farm. We now stay at the family home in the city. I am not happy with our nosy neighbours. They often peek over the precast wall. However, once we catch sight of them, they disappear and pretend nothing happened.

It is weird, Amai.

Our house help tells us that at times they throw trash onto our side. We are scared of confronting them for two reasons.

We do not have tangible proof and they are as old as our parents.

They stay with two naughty grandsons. We hardly talk unless we bump into each other outside our gates. The practice is very annoying and we do not know how to stop it. What could be their intention?

Response

I think your neighbours are nosey because they were in the area before you showed up. Oftentimes, people strike parallels between new tenants and the previous ones. I see no point in doing this, but it may just be human nature. Peeking over the wall or throwing trash into your yard is unacceptable. Try to engage them more. If anything, they may just be curious.

If you are part of a neighbourhood watch scheme, inform those who patrol the area to draw up an information circular urging residents to be vigilant of inquisitive behaviour from people in the area or those passing by.

It is a subliminal way of letting them know they are being noticed. You can also ask your in-laws how best to deal with this scenario. Are they still in touch with them? Did they exhibit similar behaviour? How did they get them to stop it? If all else fails, approach them directly and call them out on their disturbing behaviour. It has to end immediately.

Holiday calendar causing rift in our marriage

I am aged 34 and my husband is 35. We have been married for three years now. My hubby is the youngest in a family of three boys, who are all married.

My mother-in-law is the one who calls the shots. Father-in-law is so henpecked he is more of a shadow in the family. Every Christmas, the family is compelled to go to the rural home, where family and friends are entertained. For us, the daughters-in-law, it means hard work, cooking and cleaning. Surely, that cannot be a holiday. The three sons do not lift a finger or say no to their mother.

This year, my brother, who has been abroad for a decade, is coming home for Christmas and my parents have invited me and my husband for his homecoming party.

We gladly accepted the invitation but my hubby is now shifting goalposts because his mother said that cannot be. She says who will take my place as far as the cooking and cleaning is concerned?

What a reason! My husband has been hard-pressed now.

He says if push comes to shove, then he will go to his home and I go to mine for the holidays. Does this make sense? Amai, please, help. I really want to go and be with my people for once.

Response

You are indeed in a big dilemma and it is entirely based on the fact that no one wants to compromise. It is one thing to be pained by the laborious tasks involved when a lot of people congregate in one place. It is equally more alarming that, as adults, you cannot make your own moves.

Your husband needs to grow a spine. I am not saying he must tell his mother off, but he has to let her know she cannot dictate every aspect of your lives, especially when you have plans of your own.

You made a promise to your parents that you would attend your brother’s homecoming and you should live up to it.

At times, ripping the cord may seem scary but he has to appreciate that he has a family of his own and that is where decision-making power lies. I see no point in him going to spend Christmas with his family and you doing the same without each other.

Marriage is about teamwork. I recommend relationship counselling to get you on track. It would also help if a professional coached him on how to make decisions that ensure you work better as a team.