What is wrong with my kids?

I AM a 42-year-old man and my wife is 38. We have two teenage children, a boy and a girl, whom I love dearly. I get on pretty well with my wife but it seems she has great influence over the children.

What I have observed over the years makes me very sad. When my kids ask for permission to go out or to do something, even if I say yes, they will not do anything until their mother approves it. At times, when I call them, they do not answer unless their mother tells them to respond.

This has been a bitter pill to swallow and I never opened up about this.

I went to their school on consultation day, last term, for the first time because their mother was out of town and they both ignored me. I felt there is a divide because they kept wishing their mother had come to school, instead of me. I have been hurt silently for long and I cannot take it anymore.

Has my wife been saying bad things about me behind my back to the children? I now feel like a stranger in my own home. Please help.

Response

I will call a spade a spade so that you benefit from the advice I am going to give you. I was shocked to read that you went to your children’s school for the first time last term.

And what pushed you to do so was simply the unavailability of their mother. In my view, this shows that you are not always present in their lives. The kids are in their teens. Before you know it, they will be majors and may opt for minimal interaction with you.

If your wife is doing all the upbringing and bonding while you behave like a stranger, the divide will widen.

Try to be hands-on in the children’s lives.

Communicate with them, take them out and get to bond with them as much as you can. I highly doubt that your wife says anything bad about you. From what you told me, she actually compels the kids to embrace you and listen to you.

Do not do anything drastic; you catch more flies using honey than you do using vinegar. Try to do as I have said and I guarantee you will see a noticeable improvement. I wish you all the best.

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I betrayed my family

Dear Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column. I follow it religiously. I wronged my family and I do not know how to make things right.

I am a top boss at a reputable company and I got carried away and walked out on my family. I went to stay with another woman in a luxury apartment for three years. My twin sons are in their second year at a local university and my wife is gainfully employed.

Things are not looking good at the company and we are likely to shut down.

I no longer make the kind of money I used to, so the woman I am staying with is threatening to leave me.

I hear she is already going out with another man, who is a mbinga. Amai, I want to go back to my family. I am very desperate but I do not know how I can go about it.

I never looked back the whole time I was with this other woman. I did nothing for my family.

My siblings blame me for what I did and none of them is willing to stand by me. My wife lost her father when I left her and I never went for the funeral. I did not even console her. Do you think I can ever win her back after this?

Response

Thank you for pouring your heart out and supporting this platform. You made my reading very sad. You left your entire family for another woman.

That is not something that can be easily undone. You were supposed to be a loving father and spouse but you forsook your vows. Are you thinking of going home because you have no other option?

Do you still love them? If you still had money, would you truly consider going back home? Why did you not attend your father-in-law’s funeral? These are all loaded questions.

You burnt too many bridges and starting afresh may be a tall order. If you really want to try to claw your way back, I suggest you engage vanatete from both sides as the first step.

Your second move would be to go for professional counselling with your wife if she is agreeable. You will also need to go through the same process with your children before you can become one big happy family again. I would be happy to hear from you on the outcome. I wish you all the best. ****************

We almost lost our home

I am a married woman aged 35. I am a mother of two young girls and a son.

We stay in the ghetto and we have a very good landlord but my husband takes advantage of him. My spouse is in the habit of inviting people from his rural home.

As a result, we are always crowded. The landlord warned him several times but he did not listen at all. We have now been ordered to pack and go or comply with the rules.

In a desperate move, I asked his two cousins, who had come to stay with us, to go back home. I did this so we could improve our relationship with the landlord.

Everyone is now criticising me for this and my husband is not even standing up for me. I was left with no choice, Amai. He knew we had no way out but he did not want to be the one to say it.

How do I resolve this?

Response

I am glad you admit you have a good landlord and, all things being equal, you would want to continue staying there.

I do not know how you went about the sleeping arrangement, with a high number of kids and adults in the same space. Children need protection.

They can be prone to abuse by some relatives if caution is not taken, especially when there are dodgy sleeping arrangements in place. I think you did your part by telling these relatives to go back home because this was the only option you had.

Accommodation is hard to come by. It is not something to gamble with. Have a candid talk with your husband and convince him to tell his people that their dismissal was because you were repeatedly breaching the landlord’s rules. I wish you all the best.

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