Psychology of relationships
LIFE is a game in which those who are aware and understand the rules win. It is not about having the most money and gadgets or the best house, but the best connections (bonds and relationships) that foster working together.
There is a book titled “Games People Play” that outlines human relationships and how we weaken or strengthen them through subconscious drives. Different dynamics exist at altered stages among the parent, adult and child interactions in transactional analysis. Others hide in plain sight to avoid upsetting the balance. However, at times, the balance needs to be upset for us to be able to confront the big elephant in the room.
A struggling couple can live together for many years, walking on eggshells until one of them is no longer able to take it anymore, then a marriage breaks, say after 35 years. But all this can be avoided, if we get to learn the rules of the game. Erik Erikson spoke of trust versus mistrust in the first 18 months of life, and this is how deep our issues on trusting others go. So, whether we struggle to trust in intimate relationships or in business transactions, the problems run deep. Being able to work together comes from how others make us feel, and vice versa — the concept of psychological safety. This emanates from the stories we tell, not verbally, but through what our bodies say about us long before we even open our mouths.
Many of us are not self-aware to even know ourselves enough, let alone control what our bodies say to others. These are the things that make us vulnerable. There are micro expressions which, as much as you try to convince others that you are happy, betray your hidden sadness. Some may miss these but others will not. It is this incoherence or lack of consistency between spoken words and actions of an individual that brings about mistrust.
Think of how someone says “Sorry” without changing the behaviour that caused the offence. While we may learn to know how unreliable someone is, it is this that affects how we struggle to trust them when it matters most. Essentially, we are triggered to our core schemas of mistrust. They may be reliable in a specific purpose, where we may trust them in work as colleagues, but never as friends. While we may not trust someone with money, we may be able to trust them with emotions or they may be good with showing up in other ways. But trust can initially be broken in a specific area before this spreads to several other aspects.
One becomes dishonest with themselves before they become dishonest with others. Mob psychology and conformity through organisational cultures are strengthened through sharing of vision and joint crafting of mission statements. This gives all parties a sense of ownership of the work to be done such that they do not have to be pushed to play their role.
Our subconscious is responsible for a lot of our decisions, especially when we are emotional: hurt and upset. Therefore, we sabotage the goodness in our lives because of those unresolved early life experiences that bring conflict and cognitive dissonance. Ruining of relationships is a natural occurrence due to the nature of life, but such damage can be mended. Get the right psychological help for yourself or encourage your partner to get help. Better off, hold their hand and walk with them through it all.