Is my lover duping me?

DEAR Amai. I hope I find you well. I am a 36-year-old woman who is madly in love with a man I do not quite understand.

This man tells me he divorced his wife but they still share the house for the sake of the children and comfortable accommodation. He says he wants us to get married and buy our own residential stand.

I love him but I am never at peace each time I think of him staying with his former wife. He has so far introduced me to his male muzukuru only. Please, Amai, help.

What do you make of this?

Response

I am very well and thank you for asking. My heart skipped a beat when you said you are madly in love with a man who continues to share the same house with his “ex-wife”.

You do not need to be a rocket scientist to derive a conclusion. What documentation have you seen that supports that they are truly divorced?

Do you know for a fact they are not living in the same room?

These are some of the loaded questions which should inform you that you are being taken for a ride. He has introduced you to a muzukuru but, culturally, it is of no great consequence. Unless he can prove beyond a shadow of doubt that he is divorced, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I would strongly advise you to wake up and smell the coffee. I wish you all the best.

**********

Caught up in family drama

I am a 39-year-old married father of three beautiful kids. Last month, my wife went to fetch her mother from her rural home to take her for routine medical check-ups. This is something she does regularly.

I was surprised because baba did not tag along. It had been more than a month since she arrived and had still not gone back. Last weekend, she asked me to take her to her eldest son’s home for a visit. My wife stayed behind because she was busy.

When we got there, my brother-in-law had no kind words for his mother. My wife had secretly arranged to take amai from the village without consulting baba or any other members of the family. I apologised because I was not aware of this.

To cut a long story short, my brotherin-law took amai back to the village and told her not to be misled. I am innocent but it seems I am the bad guy now. My wife says I planned this with her brothers to have her mother taken back home. The brothers are blaming me for allowing my wife to keep amai from her spouse.

Please, help me, I am angry.

Response

Hello writer, thank you for reaching out to me. I am truly sorry about the predicament you found yourself in. It is clear there is very poor communication between you and your spouse. There were a few red flags, though, which could have alerted you that all was not well.

The fact that your father-in-law did not tag along as usual was a major warning. Your wife being unavailable to visit her brother also gave it away. I understand this whole thing has made you angry because you are being blamed as well yet you were not involved.

Your wife was not even courteous enough to brief you on what is going on with her parents. Have a family meeting with your wife and her siblings to try to resolve the matter. After this, you can then take an informed decision on how to defend yourself in the future against such scenarios. In my view, your wife must be reined in. I wish you all the best. **********

Son knocked up the house help

Dear Amai. Thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column. It is helping us a lot. I am a 52-year-old married woman with three adult children. Our 28-year-old last-born shocked us and we do not know where to start.

He is degreed and gainfully employed. Little did we know that he was fooling around with the house help. The lady has two children from previous relationships and he is fully aware of it. He has impregnated the house help and wants to marry her. We tried to persuade him not to do this because of the responsibilities that lie ahead. He is furious and is no longer talking to us. He is accusing us of being fake Christians. The house help has since moved into his bedroom, ignoring our advice that it would be better if they left. How do we make him see sense?

Response

Dear big fan. Thank you very much for following the column. Your plea is to make your son see sense. How? They say love is blind. It is very unfortunate that even the house help is not thinking straight. She is expecting a third baby by a new man. I doubt if anything is being planned to prepare for the unborn child. It is very difficult to get between two people who are in love. I suggest you and your husband sit with this couple and convince them to seek professional counselling.

There are a lot of sacrifices and responsibilities that lie ahead of them. It is unfortunate they are only considering the romantic side of things at this juncture.

The three kids in total will require school fees, food, accommodation and many other things. As an educated individual himself, he may even wish to improve his wife educationally. As a father-to-be, he is duty-bound to be in this child’s life and the other two if they get married.

I suggest you start with counselling and see what it yields. If his actions stem from true love, no amount of persuasion will change his heart.

I wish you all the best.

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