I’m competing against a ghost
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 24-year-old woman married to a man aged 26. We have been married for a year and are yet to start a family. I regret marrying this man. Before me, he dated his sister-in-law’s best friend for two years.
Their relationship was solid; I do not know how they failed to make it to the altar. I knew about them because we used to stay in the same neighbourhood.
My husband and his former lover were part of the bridal team at his brother’s wedding. After they broke up, we briefly dated and got married but now, I see that he still loves his ex-flame.
It also seems most of his family members love her, too. I feel uncomfortable when we visit his brother’s house, where their wedding pictures are displayed in the gallery. His ex-flame still visits her friend at times and they even travel together. Every now and then, my hubby makes silly mistakes and calls me by her name.
Last week, they invited us for dinner. That ex-flame was invited as well. They talked about their past escapades and I had to excuse myself because I had nothing to contribute. I feel the best move is opting out, Amai. Please, help me.
Response
Dear writer, thank you very much for reaching out to me. You are indeed in a predicament because there are things you cannot erase. Life is about compromise.
However, you should not always be the one compromising. You stated that your dating period was brief. Were red flags not visible during that time? You knew about your husband and his ex-flame, and the possibility of them meeting through a mutual connection to his brother and sister-in-law.
Your sister-in-law is and has been a close friend of the woman in question and no one can get between them. The pictures on display are in someone’s space and you cannot control that. You can only hope their relationship will be slowed down if this woman relocates or decides to get married to another man.
In my view, you and your husband need to go for professional counselling. Your partner needs to be asked how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Calling you by his former girlfriend’s name is outrageous. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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I am a 27-year-old woman and married to a very ambitious man. We are blessed with two kids. My husband does many part-time menial jobs and I run a small roadside vegetable market. In short, we are not financially sound.
However, my husband likes to compare himself with well-to-do people. We are always in debt and have become very unpopular in our community. I struggle to put food on the table and now I am tired of living like a beggar while he spends the little we have on unnecessary luxuries. Amai, please help me. I have suffered enough.
Response
I was deeply concerned when I read your letter. In my view, your husband is not acting as a responsible partner and a parent. It is noble to live within your means.
When you have kids, you always need to keep a little extra for a rainy day. Both of you work in different ways to contribute towards the family’s upkeep. I suggest you have a candid talk first, then create a combined budget where you pool your resources and find ways of using your money effectively.
If you do not budget, then there will be no accountability. Try to use family structures as they can iron out this issue. You can rope in your tetes from both sides and have a session with them. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Dear Amai, how are you? I am a 35-year-old woman and my husband is 39. We are blessed with three kids and we are both professionals who are gainfully employed. My husband has two very close friends from his workplace and they have been drinking a lot lately.
When we got married, he was a non-drinker, but these two friends converted him and now he is the worst of them all. Rumour has it that they all have side chicks and have been seen at different beer outlets together. I confronted my husband about this rumour and he said only his friends were involved in such shenanigans, and not him.
I talked to him about cutting down on his beer intake but he only makes promises; he does not take any action. Amai, do you think it is a good idea if I tell the other two wives about this rumour, then we strategise on what action to take together?
Response
Greetings writer, I am very well and thanks for inquiring. I am sorry about your husband’s transformation, from being a non-drinker to an excessive drinker. This is why people say you should choose your friends wisely. These people are all majors, so we cannot say your husband is being influenced; he has a say. You said rumour has it that the three people have sidekicks, but your hubby said he was innocent.
Rumours are tricky. They may be true or false. You need a smoking gun, otherwise you may end up in court. Please, do not incite any group action with the other women. It is not worth it. As for your husband’s answer, you do not need to be a rocket scientist to read between the lines. Why is he the only one without a side chick when his friends have?
Does he not feel lonely when he is among them? I suggest you both seek counselling. It would be prudent to get him into an alcohol and substance abuse programme while there is still time. Please, keep me posted.