Am I reading too much into this?

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. My wife and I are both aged 36 and gainfully employed. We are blessed with a four-year-old daughter. We are a stable couple, although my wife is short-tempered.

I often try my best to manage this problem. All of our parents are retired. I personally like it when our parents visit us as couples, but my wife thinks otherwise.

Each time my mother visits us, my wife invites hers. According to my observation, my mother plays second fiddle when my motherin-law is present. She will not be as independent as she should be.

I asked my wife why she acts like this and her answer was not convincing at all. She said she does this so that they keep each other company and they get a chance to be treated fairly. This did not go down well with me. It seems there is a hidden meaning to what she said. Please help.

Response

Dear writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. I think it is a great blessing to have all of your parents alive at the same time. Let your families enjoy this while it lasts.

You stated that your wife is short-tempered. As much as you are helping to keep that under control, I suggest she goes for anger management, otherwise, it is a ticking bomb waiting to detonate.

I personally do not see anything wrong with inviting both your mothers at the same time occasionally so that they bond and spend time with you.

It should, however, not be a rule that they come together at all times.

They are individuals and at times need their elbow space and independence.

When visitors come over, you should be adequately prepared to cater for them. It seems a stretch to single out that having people stay at your home at the same time is the only way to guarantee they are treated fairly.

You should sit down as a couple and let your wife explain herself. Always remember, in marriage, you are a team. While reaching a balance is good, it becomes petty when you go out of your way to try to make sure relatives are treated the same in every given instance.

******************* Finances are tearing our family apart

I am a 37-year-old man, degreed and gainfully employed. My wife, aged 36, is a full-time housewife. We are blessed with four kids, but we struggle to make ends meet at times. My brother-in-law (wife’s brother) is a prosperous businessman who often bails us out. The problem now is that my wife thinks we are entitled to receive his assistance. Our first-born son is in Grade Seven. We discussed a prospective school to send him to next year.

My wife is of the view that our boy should go to a private school yet she knows we cannot afford it.

Amai, I just do not get it. I do not want us to promise our son something that we cannot afford. She said she would talk to her brother and he would pay fees for our child.

We had a very bad verbal fight and we are not on talking terms at the moment. In anger, I told her that I regretted being married to a goodfor-nothing and uneducated woman. How can we smoothen things over?

Response

I agree with your principle of not promising anything to a child if you cannot guarantee it. This can affect the child later on in life. Your brotherin-law is a good man, but your wife cannot make financial arrangements on his behalf. That is taking a lot for granted. You must work things out together as a couple. There has to be an agreement of some sort. Is it going to be a loan, a grant or just a gift? The duration is equally important.

Paying fees for someone is not an easy commitment. As much as it is a noble thing to choose a good school for your son, you also have to weigh your options first.

Last but not least, the way you insulted your wife was very mean. Encourage and help her to improve herself so she can also contribute towards the family’s upkeep. Before you start any discussions, apologise and take back your foul words. I would be happy to hear from you again.

*******************

No good deed goes unpunished

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married father of three. My wife and I are in business and we are doing well.

My issue has nothing to do with my marriage. We have two boreholes on our property and we have been helping the neighbourhood to get clean water.

I even put a tap outside our precast wall so people could get water without any interference. However, some are now abusing this service by collecting water in bulk for sale yet we give them for free.

We are thinking of removing the tap, but this would inadvertently affect those who genuinely need water for domestic use. Please help. We are torn apart.

Response

Dear good Samaritan, thank you so much for writing in. I commend you for having a big heart. You are a positive influence in your community. It is noble to give back to the community voluntarily. Pulling out the tap would disadvantage the needy whom you want to assist. You can, however, limit the amount of water one can get per day.

There may be need for you to call for a meeting and tell your neighbours your concerns.

Also, inform them that individuals who collect bulk supplies disadvantage those who want smaller quantities. The neighbours should come up with a plan of monitoring and ensuring that no one abuses this service.

They may take turns to do this or get someone trustworthy who can be given a small token by the community.

They may even come up with better ways than the ones suggested here. I would be happy if you went this route, instead of taking any drastic measures. Please keep me posted.

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