Hubby cheated on me

Dear Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column.

It has helped me a lot as an individual. I am a 35-year-old woman married to a man aged 38. We are both degreed and gainfully employed.

We are blessed with a set of twins, a boy and a girl. My husband works for a non-governmental organisation and goes for workshops every now and then.

I am on official leave for the month, so my husband invited me to tag along to the resort where they were going for their sessions. I had not been there before.

The plan was to remain there for the weekend after their meetings.

I happily went because this sounded good. I loved the place and everything about the resort.

On the second day, an elderly cleaner came to tidy up our room and she asked if I had any extra requests he could assist me with. He spilled the beans, saying I was different from the other women my husband normally brings. He inquired if I was in a polygamous marriage. All hell broke loose, until my husband confessed that he had previously brought another woman there. He was very sorry about the whole thing. My heart is broken, but I love him very much. How do I learn to trust him again?

Response

Thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your story. I know what you are going through. Love and trust are powerful elements of any relationship. You are angry because you feel let down.

There is no need for war because communication is more powerful than endless drama. Your husband behaved irresponsibly and betrayed your trust. Admittedly, you still love him. I suggest you both go for professional counselling and see how the gap can be bridged. It is my hope that he has learnt his lesson and he is sincere about turning over a new leaf. I wish you all the best. Please keep me posted.

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I walked out on my marriage

I am a 27-year-old woman married to a man aged 30. We are blessed with a three-year-old kid and have been married for five years. We have never known peace in our marriage. It seems we are two different people and can never freely agree on anything.

We are both gainfully employed and the budget is something we have never come to an agreement on. Last month, we suggested he should assist his parents the way he sees fit, and that I should do the same with mine. I am short-tempered, so each time the arguments get too heated, I pack my bags and go to my parents’ home.

We are lucky all our parents live in the same town.

Each time I bolted out, my husband would come to plead that I go back to our marital home and try to make things right.

This time around, I got the shock of my life; he sent a marriage mediator (munyai) with a divorce token (gupuro) to say he has reached the end of the road and that he is no longer interested in me.

My parents are angry with me and nobody is sympathising with me from my side. I tried to engage his sister and she said she is also tired of the drama. Amai, what should I do in this situation?

Response

Your letter saddened me very much. I would have wanted to get more of the backstory and context. What was it like when you were dating? During this phase, you could have put your house in order or at the very least identified red flags.

Your union is supposed to be still in its romantic phase. Your home is not even a good environment for the upbringing of the baby.

From my point of view, your marriage lacked unity. You operated like two different people.

Going back to your parents’ house is not always a smart thing to do repeatedly. Your husband sounds really fed up. I suggest you go for anger management and professional counselling. You may have to communicate through munyai until a breakthrough is made. Please keep me posted.

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I need my space

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married mother of three. My issue has nothing to do with my marriage. That is why I will not dwell on it. I have a househelp who still needs a lot of hand-holding. She has a very strong rural background.

I cannot send her away because I asked my mother-in-law to look for her for me from her rural area. I have to be strong and see if I can succeed in training her.

I am tired of these unscrupulous so-called househelps from backyard agencies. I do many house chores myself because most of the things are new to my househelp. At work, I am busy.

The only time I sit down is during the lunch break. There is a new female employee at our workplace who likes me very much.

Almost every lunch hour, she comes through to talk. But this is the only time I can take a nap or make personal calls. I do not know how to tell her that I need my space. Please help.

Response

Hello writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. I do not think it is a good idea to get househelps from backyard agencies. Mind you, your family’s lives and property will be in the hands of someone you do not trust.

So, I urge you to avoid taking that route. Be patient and train the one who has genuine traceable records. You can even send her for short cooking and cleaning courses.

As for this new woman at your office, please do not go in circles, just tell her the truth.

After finding out about what you are going through, she will appreciate it and most likely understand your request to be left alone. You can arrange to spend some lunch hours together when you are both free. I wish you all the best.

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