I feel left out
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a mother of three beautiful kids. We have been married for 25 years and we generally get on well.
We encouraged each other to study and now we are both degreed. I work for a company that is marked by high standards — from the dress code, the building space, up to the furniture.
This may not sound important, but it is taking a big toll on me.
Most of my female work colleagues have big, modern wedding rings, while mine looks like a wire wrapped around my finger. I asked my husband to at least upgrade my ring, but he refused, arguing that we are past that stage. He advised me to focus, instead, on bread and butter issues. Amai, his response broke my heart. Would it be okay if I bought myself a better ring without consulting him and just put it on my finger?
Response
Hello writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. It is refreshing to hear of spouses who study together and attain degrees. Well done. Keep the fire burning. Hard work pays off and, as a result, you are now working for a prestigious company. You do not have to upgrade your ring based on how your colleagues’ rings look. If you personally desired an upgrade, you should have spoken about it without making reference to what your work colleagues are wearing. You watered down your request.
A wedding ring has a symbolic meaning. It is different from a dress ring, where you can buy as many as you want and wear them interchangeably. Buying yourself a wedding ring would be rather strange. It is like marking your own exam paper. That is why, naturally, lovers give each other rings as tokens of their undying love for each other. I suggest you give it a break for now, then later on talk to your husband convincingly.
It will mean more when he does it.
My sixth sense tells me that you may be in for a surprise. He will surely do it in his time. Just be patient. He sounds like a good guy. Please keep me posted.
**************** Hubby and I are not on the same page
The festive season is upon us, but for my family and I, it is a very unhappy time. I am aged 38 and my husband is a year younger than me. We are blessed with two boys.
People from his side have called me names like “kachembere” ever since we got married. I have pretended not to be aware of such a horrible nickname. My husband is aware of this name, but he does not raise a finger.
Two years ago, I complained about always going to his rural home for Christmas. I told him the experience for me was similar to a househelp’s, doing chores throughout the holiday.
I was simply asking for us to do something interesting for the sake of the kids and ourselves occasionally. Since then, he counts the kids and me out of his Christmas plans.
It is very painful and I do not know how we can make it right. Please help. Last year, he said he was going to spend Christmas with his folks, but we learnt from those who went home that he was not there.
Response
I was disturbed by the fact that your spouse does not fight in your corner. He was aware of your age when he married you. True love has nothing to do with age. You are the love of his life.
His people are just being rude and mean, otherwise there is no need for name- calling at all.
I feel there is very poor communication between the two of you. Your request to have quality time with your family was very noble. I do not understand why he has taken so long to let go.
After the holiday, have a candid talk with your husband and go for professional counselling to unpack these and other issues. Marriage is a lifetime commitment but Christmas is only for a season. I would be happy to hear from you again.
**************** My in-laws are greedy
Dear Amai, I am a 26-year-old man. I paid lobola for the love of my life in June this year.
However, my in-laws have made my life hell and I already regret getting myself involved with such a family. After paying lobola, the first hurdle I had to jump was their request for me not to live with my wife before a white wedding.
I persuaded her tete to ask for permission to at least allow her to come and sleep over during weekends only. This request was turned down, so we are as good as people who are still dating.
Last but not least, the munyai came over to tell my family that there were some outstanding lobola items that had to be settled before our wedding day. Our big day is almost here.
We had intended to tie the knot in January 2024. I have been saving every cent since I got married and my siblings and parents are helping, but I do not think I can meet their demands. Amai, is marriage about greed?
Should I pull out at the 11th hour? What happens if I do not meet their demands? My wife is also unhappy and is crying a lot. We are very much in love and on the same page.
Response
Thank you for reaching out to me.
Your letter made my reading very sad. Marriage is about love and companionship.
It is a lifetime commitment despite the seasons you go through along the way. In my view, the highlight of your letter is the last sentence, where you mentioned that you are madly in love.
This marriage is about the two of you and you have no problem with each other, which is a big plus.
Do not throw in the towel yet. Instead, let your elders from both sides sit down and have a candid talk. They should discuss what is feasible and what is not.
There are demands that have been put in place, but these can be waived or deferred. Your in-laws’ focus for now should be on their daughter’s happiness. Why would you have a wedding where the bride and groom will be unhappy? It defeats the whole purpose.
As much as the in-laws are within their right to ask for lobola-related items, they should be human too and acknowledge that, at your age, you are not a walking piggy bank.
Culturally, when you pay lobola, you are recognised as an official couple. Stick to it, you have already done most of the heavy lifting. I wish you all the best.