On the verge of divorce
Dear Amai. I got married in the middle of this year. I am a Catholic and my husband goes to a Pentecostal church. We have both tried each other’s church but we have found no joy.
I have since resorted to going to my church and he goes to his. As a couple, we are happy with this arrangement but his parents think otherwise.
My father-in-law is usually the peacemaker and the quiet person but this time, he is determined to have his way.
He told me directly to let my husband be the man of the house. He also said I was an embarrassment to his family because I am the first daughter-in-law to refuse to join the family church. I told my father-in-law that I was no pushover. After this confrontation, my husband is very cold and distant and has even suggested to me that I look for a Catholic husband. I do not understand what all this means. Am I wrong, Amai, for being truthful? Please help.
Response
Hello writer, it breaks my heart to hear that hardly six months into marriage, you already have problems that are deep-rooted.
Did you date this person for a long period? Did you have a chance to go for pre-marital counselling and agree on issues to do with faith? All these aspects are as important as marriage itself. They give you the correct footing.
Dating also affords you time to see red flags. Marriage is about compromise, whether you like it or not.
In our country, freedom of worship is given priority.
However, it is often healthy for a relationship to be a united front. Going to church is part of this. From your communication, I established that at times you think aloud. Culturally, you pick your words carefully and wisely when you speak to people you should respect.
I see your denominations are of paramount importance for both of you but what did you agree upon before you got married? If you agreed that you each go to your own church, why is he now suggesting that you look for a Catholic guy? Where is the friction coming from if it is the same religion? Your marriage is already on the rocks, so go for professional counselling immediately and seek help. Having a divided family will never work.
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I feel left out
Hello Amai. I hope you had a joyous Christmas holiday. I am a 42-year-old married woman and I have three beautiful children. In the family that I come from, there are four of us in total. I have a sister and two brothers. We are all married. Our parents are retired and reside at our rural home. A week before Christmas this year, my eldest brother invited them to come and celebrate with his family.
My family and I visited them once and they were very happy to see us.
Without my knowledge, my brother and my other siblings were contributing towards a combined Christmas lunch with our parents. On the day, everything went on as planned and I hear they had a lot of fun. My parents were disturbed by my absence. Amai then called to find out why I had not attended the event. They were not aware of my exclusion.
I was shocked and asked Amai to quiz them. As a parent, she told me the truth. It turns out my sister told my brothers that I am a mean person and that I would complain about the contributions and disrupt the proceedings.
To cut a long story short, I am still very angry and I do not want to be part of this family anymore. My parents want us to talk this over but my husband says he does not want to be involved because he does not know whom to support.
Response
Dear writer, thank you very much for writing in. I had a blessed Christmas break. I wish you had provided more information about these family contributions. Was this lunch the first of its kind or it is something you have been doing all along? If it was the first one, why did your sister suggest that you be left out?
Surely, there was no record of you being uncooperative. I do not blame your husband for refusing to get involved in this issue, as it is purely arising from your side of the family and it is not easy for him to chime in. I advise you to accept your parents’ suggestion of having a family meeting and talk this over. Smoothen things out and tell your siblings how badly this upset you. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.
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My child was neglected
Dear Amai. I hope I find you well. I am on the verge of tears as I write this letter. I am a 34-year-old married woman. I have a five-year-old daughter. My husband has twin sisters who are both married.
He is the only male in his family and the first-born. We live in the same city as my husband’s parents. This
Christmas, they asked to spend it with all their four grandkids, namely, our daughter and her three cousins from my aunts’ families. I passed through my mother-in-law’s house without an appointment to drop off my daughter’s new shoes. When I got there, only the househelp and my daughter were at home.
I asked why she was crying and the househelp told me that she wanted to go with gogo and the rest of the kids but was left behind. I got very upset and called my husband, who immediately told me to take our child back home.
Even my daughter clung to me and pleaded that I take her home with me. Since this incident, we have not spoken to the in-laws.
They did not ask why I took the child back home and we did not send each other the normal Christmas wishes. Amai, how do we break the ice?
Response
Dear writer, thank you for reaching out to me. I am very well and thanks for asking. I think a lot of drama ensued. I wish it could have been avoided, for the sake of the child.
From my perspective, each one of you is in the wrong. Your in-laws acted in a very segregatory manner. Why did they leave one child behind? What criteria did they use? The reason for inviting the kids was to spend quality time with them but their behaviour brought the whole motive into question.
You acted out of anger. Instead of phoning your husband and taking the child back home, you could have waited for them to come back, then inquire why she was left behind.
I agree it was not fair but you had to give your in-laws a chance to explain themselves.
The child was under their care, so they were duty-bound to check on how she and the househelp were getting along. It was very irresponsible of them to leave one child behind with the househelp while they went out with the rest. I suggest you take the bull by its horns and go as a couple to get to the bottom of the matter.
You need each other. You are family. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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