Second wife causing problems

Dear Amai, compliments of the season. I am a 32-year-old married woman.

I have two beautiful daughters. As a family, we are a part of a religious sect that allows polygamy as long as you treat all wives fairly.

My husband recently married a 19-year-old and he is over the moon.

The new wife is expecting and my husband has turned into a home doctor.

He hardly comes to my house as is expected. He only comes when we call him for issues concerning our kids.

I feel so lonely and unwanted. What bothers me is when we are at church he wants me to pretend that all is well and for me to embrace his second wife, who also has an attitude towards me. I do not understand her resentment towards me.

I am the first wife; I should be the one most affected by this and not her.

I am so unhappy I feel like joining another church. I am so down-hearted and it is affecting me badly. I am now solely focused on my children. Please help.

Response

Hello and thanks for writing in as well as sending season greetings. Your letter made my reading very sad.

Your husband’s behaviour leaves a lot to be desired because he is in breach of what his church believes in. From your communication, it shows that he is not treating his wives fairly. Did he tell you the reason why he no longer comes to your house? Is he still in love with you?

As for joining another church, you are being moved by anger.

I would advise you to take it onestep at a time and calm down. Really think through this set-up and weigh your options.

I advise you to have a candid talk with your husband and go for professional counselling. I would be happy to hear from you again.

*************** Neighbour accusing me of practicing witchcraft

Hello Amai. I hope you are well. I am a 45-year-old married woman and have four kids.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He is gainfully employed and I run a chicken-rearing project.

I also sell second-hand clothes, popularly known as bhero, to help make ends meet.

I live in one of the very popular old ghettos in Harare.

Our neighbours had a two-week

Christmas break so we had time to chat and catch-up.

During this time, because of the rains, there was some uncut grass near our yard. A snake emerged from there and went into our neighbour’s yard.

The snake was killed, but ever since that day, the woman next door does not speak to me.

I wondered why this was so and I asked another neighbour? What I heard shocked me.

She told me in confidence that she thinks the snake was mine and that I was trying to cause harm to her family. I am at boiling point and I feel like confronting her. Please advise if I should approach her.

Response

I am very well, thank you for asking.

I want to commend you for working hard to help make ends meet.

Moving on to your case, at times I fail to understand why people behave like children.

You must realise that a neighbour is as good as a relative.

You need each other. Neighbours are often the first responders during times of crisis. I do not think it is a good idea to confront your neighbour because your information is from the grapevine.

You are not sure how these two ended up talking about you or what was said, as you were not there. If handled badly, this can disturb the peace and serenity in the neighbourhood.

For now, keep your cool and see if she will change her attitude. Issues to do with gossip can be very volatile. I know it hurts, but wait for a better time to unpack this issue.

In life, it is very hard to control peoples’ perception of you, more so when you are dealing with allegations of witchcraft that are next to impossible to substantiate.

The more enraged you become over this matter, the more you bring validity to her allegations. Remain unbothered and continue to foster good relations with the rest of the community.

Everyone knows snakes thrive in areas such as the one you described so it should not be a shock that one was found there.

Maintain your innocence and pride. Eventually, your neighbour shall make the first move to patch things up. ◆ Feedback: maichisamba@fb.net; 0771415474.