CHANGING LANGUAGE

As society examines the way women are treated in the workplace, there’s been a shift in what is considered acceptable – but not everyone is embracing change.

In recent decades, it would have been all too common for a man to walk through the office calling his female colleagues ‘ love’, ‘ darling’ or ‘ babe’. However, as society starts to examine the way women are treated in the workplace, there has been a shift in what is acceptable and what can be considered harassment. But while many are embracing change, not everyone is finding it easy.

It wasn’t that long ago that calling a woman ‘sweetheart’ at work was completely acceptable. But today, as we shine a light on equality in the workplace, society is drawing a line under inappropriate language – and a shift is underway.

Words can reinforce sexism and gender discrimination, and language perpetuates ingrained social norms. Terms of endearment once seen as harmless or just mildly annoying are now widely criticised as tools used to patronise and belittle – words such as ‘love’, ‘hon’, and ‘darl’, for example.

Stuart McDonald, 61, owner of CC&C Luxury Skincare, has phased all these words out of his vocabulary when addressing women in his employ. “Everybody deserves to be called by their name.” McDonald states.

But he does admit that he used to use these terms at work, back when they weren’t considered so politically incorrect. “It was just the norm, and that’s what we have to change – what men consider to be the norm,” he says. McDonald explains that when he was growing up, it was ingrained in men that women were second- class citizens. Men didn’t intentionally use language to belittle women – comments such as “great tits” or “great arse” were viewed more like compliments.

“Men just thought they could say whatever they wanted; whether it was hurtful didn’t really matter because they didn’t understand what hurtful was,” he says. “Even awful words like ‘sheila’ and ‘floozy’, where there was never an equivalent for men.”

McDonald hopes that a shift towards more acceptable language can help to encourage equality and stamp out sexual harassment and abuse. “Men need to become aware that respect is what women need – and that male or female, we’re all equal,” he explains.

But not all men see this movement as positive – and some are resenting the pressure to change what they say and do. Gene Corbett, 46, who runs the learner driver training business, Total Driver, says women are not winning from the movement, but losing out.

Corbett says that he has to walk on eggshells at work when a woman is around, lest he offend them and rouse their anger. “I grew up in a generation that called all women ‘darl’, ‘love’, and a host of other terms of endearment and respect,” Corbett states. “It was always a term of respect and appreciation for women in general.”

Although he and many men he knows are all for women being their equals, Corbett says that society now rebukes any men who acknowledge, thank and appreciate women.

As a result, he won’t use terms of endearment when addressing female employees, and is extra cautious about all the words he uses – he won’t even initiate personal conversations such as asking how a woman’s weekend was.

“The saddest part is that I’ve also stopped treating a woman as a lady

– I don’t give compliments, I don’t do anything that could be misconstrued, and I never put myself in a position where it could be misinterpreted,” he says. “At least with men, you can drop the barriers and relax.”

Rather than taking staff away on business trips, Corbett says it’s easier to have staff sign into a webinar, and he always makes sure that a witness is present during one- on- one meetings “so there is third-party input if something comes out later”.

“I’ve never seen a more regressive movement to the progression of women. It has meant women seem to feel they have the right to do whatever they want, without repercussions,” he says.

Unlike McDonald, who says he prefers to employ women because he finds they generally perform better, Corbett says he’ll never again employ a female. “It’s too damn hard,” he says.

But Corbett isn’t the only one to retreat. According to a study run by Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In foundation about how employees are feeling in the wake of #MeToo, almost half of male managers are now uncomfortable participating in a work activity with a female – whether that be mentoring, working alone or socialising. Senior men are also 3.5 times more likely to hesitate to have a work dinner with a junior-level woman than with a junior-level man – and five times more likely to hesitate to travel for work with a junior-level woman, the study found.

“If men think the way to address workplace sexual harassment is to avoid one- on- one time with female colleagues – including meetings, coffee breaks and all the interactions that help us work together effectively – it will be a huge setback for women,” Sandberg wrote in a Facebook post.

“Men who want to be on the right side of this issue shouldn’t avoid women – they should mentor them,” she says. “The last thing women need right now is even more isolation. Men vastly outnumber women as managers and senior leaders, so when they avoid or exclude women, we pay the price.”

Professor of Gender, Work and Employment Relations at the University of Sydney, Rae Cooper, says that there’s a growing awareness about how to speak appropriately in a work context. “If men treat women appropriately, they have nothing to fear or retreat from,” Cooper explains. “It is about asking, ‘Would I like to be spoken to in this way’, ‘Would I like to be approached in this manner’ and ‘Would the person I am interacting with potentially feel uncomfortable with my actions, words or tone?’. The answers to these questions will tell you whether the behaviour is appropriate. It’s about behaving like an adult and professional at work.”

Junior colleagues take their cues from the speech and behaviour of leaders in organisations, she says. “If a leader ignores sexual harassment or inappropriate conduct this is not only potentially unlawful, it also sets the tone for what is acceptable at work. The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.”

From a legal standpoint, the definition of sexual harassment hasn’t changed much over the past 10 to 20 years, but the sorts of behaviour that could be considered harassment has shifted with social norms. According to Andrew Jewell, principal lawyer at employment law firm McDonald Murholme, there is a current shift away from supervisors using overly familiar language with subordinates.

Although words such as ‘babe’ and ‘hon’ used between peers are often considered terms of affection, Jewell says a different consideration applies when such language is used by a supervisor – due to the power dichotomy in that relationship. “It is a reality that an employee will be more likely to call out inappropriate behaviour by a peer than a supervisor, so the supervisor must be held to a higher standard,” Jewell explains.

Registered psychologist Donna Rain Czupryna says that adapting to change can be more difficult for some than others, and happens on many levels. “People can adapt to any social norm, whether they are coming from conformity or their own moral compass – however, you always have people who fall outside of that,” she says. “Some will always find it difficult to empathise with the perspective of those affected by harassment or abuse – but given time, a societal shift can become an accepted norm.”

She says every movement has a shadow side. In this case, there is a danger that the pendulum of power will swing too far the other way. “Suppressing men isn’t going to do any good, it’s about having both the feminine and masculine healthy and empowered, not reversing the power base of the situation.”

Shifting expectations at work are also spilling over into the arena of dating and relationships. Debbie Rivers, founder of Dare2Date, runs singles events – but she says that her business is becoming increasingly about coaching, as some men are struggling to navigate how they should be talking to women. “All of a sudden [men] can’t use the words they might have used for 20 years,” Rivers says. “They’re having to censor what they’re saying, and they just don’t seem to know what’s right and what’s wrong.”

Younger men seem to get it, she says, but for many men in their late forties and over, “what was okay is now not okay, and their world has shifted”.

Rivers is hearing that men feel like they no longer have a voice, that they face angry women who get offended at something they didn’t intend to be offensive, that they’re not allowed to use terms of endearment but that women do so without repercussions, and that they’re afraid of something they say or do now coming back to haunt them later.

As well as coming across men who say they’ll no longer hire women, Rivers says some men are giving up on trying to talk to women altogether. “If you had to start being conscious of your words all the time, sometimes it’s easier not to say anything,” Rivers says. “Women aren’t getting what they want because men just shut down.”

Rivers helps men find the line between flirting and complimenting a woman, and being offensive. “I tell them that respect is never wrong. I tell them it’s okay to say ‘ you look nice in that dress’, but it’s not okay to say ‘ that dress really shows off your arse’,” she says. “We love to get compliments, but they have to be appropriate – it’s when you put a sexual connotation on a compliment that it’s not okay.”

And women need to learn how to take a compliment without reading too much into it and getting angry. “I don’t think coming across with anger gets you what you want, going forward,” Rivers says. “If we’re criticising, we don’t bring out the best in men, ever.”

Honest, open conversation about how both men and women feel in the face of change is needed, Rivers says. “Unless we have those conversations, we’re just pushing each other further away and we’re becoming lonelier.”

“If men treat women appropriately, they have nothing to retreat from.” PROFESSOR RAE COOPER