LOVE & COVID

From rising divorce rates and increased levels of loneliness to dating app spikes, flourishing friendships and more caring communities, the global pandemic has set the whole world on a relationship rollercoaster.

The global pandemic has set the whole world on a relationship rollercoaster.

What happens to our relationships when society goes through a crisis? This past year, couples have been forced together and left apart, friends and families haven’t seen each other in months, and others left alone in isolation. This will no doubt have a lasting impact on our connections with one another.

Bridgette Jackson, divorce coach and founder of Equal Exes, says that the pressures of the pandemic – forced isolation, loss of income, stress of children, mental health struggles and uncertain futures – will have a dramatic effect on relationships for years to come. A study on the impacts of COVID-19 by Relationships Australia released in May revealed that 42 per cent of those surveyed had experienced a negative change in their relationship during the previous few months.

“Repercussions from a COVID-19 economic fallout and in personal lives will lead to a breaking point for relationships,” says Jackson. “The divorce ‘spike’ is becoming the new norm.” The separation spikes are not surprising in a year that tested everyone’s emotional limits. On the positive side, Jackson has seen an increased interest in mediation services like hers, perhaps reflective of a healthier approach to separation as it becomes less taboo. “I am seeing more couples who have decided to separate having discussions together, wanting to be amicable for the sake of themselves, their children and the wider family,” she says. “What would be otherwise high-conflict couples walk in my door and announce boldly that they want to “divorce well” and have no regrets when looking back as to how they acted through the process.”

While we can expect breakups and divorces to increase, the dating landscape is also evolving. “We weren’t able to meet for a long time because of lockdown so we had to find creative ways to get to know each other,” says a friend of mine, who met her partner on a dating app halfway through New Zealand’s first lockdown. They messaged every day and went on several virtual ‘Zoom dates’ before ever meeting in person. “If it weren’t for the pandemic, we would have met up in person sooner and might have judged each other a lot more.”

Since the pandemic, dating apps have reported spikes in usage. Bumble reported a 25 per cent increase in usage during the pandemic. Similarly, Hinge reported an increase in dating and a drop in ghosting (the act of ceasing communication with someone without explanation), a sign that singles are perhaps less judgemental and looking for more meaningful companionship than before.

While we can expect the popularity of virtual dating to increase, there is concern about what this lack of human interaction is having on our physical and mental health. University of California, Berkeley sociologist Dacher Keltner, told Time he worries about the impact social distancing is having on singles living alone. “Touch is as important a social condition as anything. It reduces stress. It makes people trust one another. It allows for cooperation,” he says. “If you look at it from an evolutionary perspective, for millions of years we had tactile contact like hugs,” he explains. “Every relationship has been built and held together by complicated nonverbal language, beginning with parent and child. It’s part of our social fabric. I worry about what happens when as a society we lose those modes of communication for a time.”

Among the many statistics that took over our news feeds during the pandemic, a statistic began to emerge about a different kind of epidemic: loneliness. Unlike the coronavirus, loneliness is not novel. But the virus has exaggerated it.

In early November, when the UK entered its second lockdown, the Office for National Statistics reported a peak in loneliness – with 4.2 million people identifying as “always or often lonely”. These statistics were echoed around the world as the pandemic took hold and countries moved into lockdown. In Australia, one in four people reported being lonely before the pandemic, with early studies showing that number has now doubled.

A silver lining of this is that the reality of loneliness is being brought into the open. “One in two Australians report feeling lonely, which means if you are feeling lonely, your friend probably is too,” says neuropsychologist Dr Hannah Korrel. “The good news is that we can reframe the stats.” How exactly?

Psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests one way people can combat loneliness is to build ‘resource maps’, writing down who we know, who we could help and who is in our neighbourhood. “It’s not just what is available to you, but it’s also what you can do for others, which is probably the most important thing to make us not feel lonely.”

As we navigate our way through all the budding romances, marriage breakdowns, and moments of loneliness, friendships are being looked at in a new way. Society tends to favour romantic relationships above platonic ones, an idea formed out of the Romanticism movement of the late 18th century. Writers, poets and philosophers characterised love as intense emotion and marriage as lifelong bliss. The movement went on to dominate our cultural landscape, filtering through to modern films, music and books, reminding us of the pursuit to find ‘the one’. It’s an

attitude that doesn’t just exist in movies and books. Decisions made during the pandemic from world leaders reflect this bias. Some countries that went into lockdown gave special dispensations to couples who lived apart, but singles couldn’t ‘bubble up’ with another friend.

The idea that romantic relationships sit above friendships in the hierarchy of relationships is an attitude we should leave behind, explains philosopher and writer Alain de Botton, on the How To Fail With Elizabeth Day podcast.

“[Romantic relationships] are not the be all and end all of human connections. I don’t believe that there is single and not single. I believe there are connected humans and disconnected humans. You can be in a relationship and be a disconnected human. In my circle, people that don’t have a partner are finding that they have something almost as good, if not better: friends.” A study published by Michigan State University has looked at just how much love and marriage actually plays into our overall wellbeing and happiness. Comparing married, formerly married and single people, researchers found that there is no significant difference when it comes to happiness in married vs single. “Lifelong singles and those who had varied relationship histories didn’t differ in how happy they were,” says lead author Mariah Purol. “This suggests that those who have ‘loved and lost’ are just as happy towards the end of life than those who ‘never loved at all.’”

Moments of crisis give us opportunities to deepen our friendship bonds and strengthen our connection to community. Our nations, our neighbourhoods, our inner circles – as we move through troubling times it’s these ties that we cling to. This is not new. Since the beginning of mankind our tribes have been at the centre of our existence, a core part of our survival. Now, we are seeing a revival of community spirit, be it in virtual book clubs or volunteering. “What builds connection is an acquaintance with one’s own vulnerability and recognition of the other’s,” says de Botton. “The reason why connection is easier than before is that our vulnerability is so apparent to us.”

“THE REASON CONNECTION IS EASIER THAN BEFORE IS THAT OUR VULNERABILITY IS SO APPARENT TO US.”

ALAIN DE BOTTON