How to handle the emotional challenges and also navigate a new sexual relationship Dating at 40+
If you’re out there in the dating world, getting to the part of a new relationship where you take off your clothes can be challenging, or even downright intimidating. We spoke to a relationship and sex therapist, as well as an obstetrician/gynaecologist to help you navigate the tricky mind and body issues that can arise.
* THE EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES
Many people assume relationship and sex therapists only focus on people in committed relationships, but many of my clients are actually sorting through the complexities of dating – from choosing the right app to the right partner. And as women get older, anxiety around dating goes up. Maybe it’s been years since your last first date (and now you have to learn how to swipe?!), or your internal clock is ticking, or it simply seems more complicated to find someone to have fun and socialise with.
Still, there are many reasons why dating gets better with age. First of all, those rumours you’ve heard about the dating pool shrinking are a myth. In fact, right now, there’s the largest population of single adults in history (chalk it up to the increased acceptability of divorce and more people staying unmarried by choice).
And with a greater focus on healthy lifestyles, it’s safe to say people in midlife are ready and also excited to find someone to spend time with – as a companion and a lover.
Handling the heat as things start to sizzle
But libido and sexual pleasure go down with the years, right? Wrong! Research shows that 53 to 79 per cent of older adults who have a partner are sexually active, and it turns out age and menopausal status are not significantly related to overall sexual satisfaction. Even most sexually active adults over 60 are satisfied. Age often comes with an added dose of self-understanding, which does wonders to counter issues caused by the anxiety of our younger years.
Dating gracefully at any age can be difficult. The biggest issues I see single women struggle with – whether they are new at the dating game or have been doing it for years – are confidence and communication.
Getting to know you
By the time you’re well into adulthood, bringing someone new into your life doesn’t just mean getting a plus-one for parties and regular sex. It also means fitting another human’s habits, friendships, schedules and past on top of your own. Dating and relationships are all about that give-and-take – and compromise is trickier and a little uncomfortable when we’re set in our ways.
Knowing this may send you straight to Google before each date to try to prejudge if he (or she) will be compatible with you – but that’s a surefire way to kill the thrill of getting to know someone new. If you’re meeting a person from a dating app or as a blind set-up, there’s no harm in doing a quick search to make sure he actually exists and isn’t on any terrifying registries. But I caution my clients away from getting sucked into the online wormhole.
Think of how you would feel if, before a first date, this new person had already been judging your past partners on Facebook, or scrutinising your job history on LinkedIn. Some of the fun of dating is letting information roll out slowly over time and staying curious about each other. Jumping to the finish line takes away the mystery (an important component of eroticism and attraction). It also doesn’t allow you or your date to pick and choose how and when you share certain information.
Libido and sexual pleasure go down with the years, right? Wrong – 53 to 79 per cent of older adults are sexually active.