* WHAT ABOUT YOUR ‘BAGGAGE’?

Dirty little secrets

Deciding when to reveal not-as-much-fun details to a new partner – from past heartbreaks to current hardships – is complicated. And the older we are, the more baggage we accumulate. But how soon is too soon to share your most private truths?

Let’s start with the basics. When it comes to sharing information about sexually transmitted infections, a good rule is to do so before things go below the belt. Yes, you know the odds of passing on that well-managed, yet still very real herpes infection you caught in your 20s are low, but it’s still important to let your partner know before there’s any chance he could be infected.

Potential sexual partners will take cues from you on how they’re expected to react, so if you do your homework, have your facts ready, and calmly mention it and assure him you’re on top of it, he’ll be more likely to respond calmly too.

What about other life issues you aren’t sure about sharing? The etiquette around that kind of information gets trickier, so your best bet is to trust your gut. I’ve worked with clients who feel that all their “stuff” (say, a diagnosis of depression, an ageing parent they care for, or a history of abuse) must be put out there on a first date so potential mates know what they’re getting into. But remember, emotional safety is just as important as physical safety; sharing sensitive pieces of yourself should only be done with those who have earned that right. If a new suitor you don’t yet trust reacts strongly to an early share or an over-share, it may leave you feeling raw.

My advice is to start lighter and gauge how safe you feel with a person before you reveal your most vulnerable aspects – and then when you do, you can assess whether he’s a good match for you. If he judges you for seeing a therapist, he’s not going to be a supportive partner long-term. If he freaks over the idea of visiting your dad’s retirement home, he may be fine for a casual relationship but not a good fit if you want something serious.

Let’s talk about sex

Revealing your private parts is a big step in any dating relationship, one that should be handled with confidence and care. The great thing about having a little more experience is that you may have developed a better understanding of your body – of what feels good, of what feels great, and of what feels oh-my-God fantastic.

If this doesn’t apply to you, there’s no time like the present! Give yourself a massage in the bathtub and focus on how your body feels instead of how it looks. (Scrutinising every stretch mark and wrinkle isn’t sexy.) Notice that stroking your inner thigh gives you goosebumps, or that your nipples are extra-sensitive. Knowledge breeds acceptance, and acceptance breeds excitement. Studies have shown that couples who talk about their sexual wants and needs report higher satisfaction. Once you know what works for you in bed, let partners know with a direct conversation. Tell them where you like to be touched, what kind of touch you love and any specific acts you know lead to bliss. A simple “harder”, “slower” or “more to the right” can do wonders in the heat of a moment. And if it’s difficult to find your voice, your hand can be a great guide.

Whether it’s online, on a first date or in the bedroom, the more you’re able to be honestly and authentically you, the more success you’ll find and the more fun you’ll have.

“The great thing about having a little more experience is you have a better understanding of your body – of what feels good, great and oh-my-God fantastic.”