Why you need ‘nunchi’
Apparently nunchi – the Korean system of social and emotional intelligence – holds the secret to winning friends and influencing people.
This ancient Korean art of social and emotional intelligence can help you win friends and influence people
Ihate a silence. If nobody is speaking, I am the first to fill the space with whatever rubbish comes out of my mouth. Often with no filter. It turns out, I need to shut the flip up, according to a new book, The Power Of Nunchi. Nunchi is something we all need more of, says its author, Euny Hong. And, one of the first points she makes is: “There’s no need to make a big song and dance as you arrive!”
So what is nunchi? I’d describe it as a type of social and emotional intelligence. And according to Euny, it will take you further than any compliment. Nunchi is learned by every Korean child at their parents’ knees, then reinforced in schools and by the work culture. Euny has a brilliant insider/outsider perspective on it: born to Korean parents in the US, she moved to South Korea aged 12 and found she had to develop nunchi pronto in order to fit in.
She says nunchi is an essential life skill.
In fact, she’s nicknamed it ‘the Korean superpower’, explaining, “It can smooth the path to your success!” If you can understand what people are thinking and feeling in any situation, you will get more from it, whether that’s money, status or friends. Korean research has shown those with higher nunchi scores are happier too.
Do I need more nunchi? Euny says if you answer yes to the following statements, you likely already have a high level:
• “I am good at quickly discerning the other person’s mood and inner state.”
• “I do not make other people uncomfortable.”
• “At a social gathering, I am able to distinguish easily between when it’s time to leave and when it’s not.”
Challenged to work on my nunchi, I begin at an informal meeting I’m having to chat about a possible long-term freelance gig. According to nunchi, before you utter a word, you need to watch and listen, ‘read the room’. Then, you ask yourself: “What kind of emotional energy is happening here? And what kind of emotional energy should I emit in order to flow with that?”
Thinking about it, I realise that in meetings
I’m often impatient and go straight into work chat – no preamble. We’re all busy, after all. But a work friend has told me that can be ‘intimidating’. If you upset someone, it doesn’t matter if you meant to or not. In fact, in terms of nunchi, it’s way more of a crime if you didn’t mean it.
So I attempt to ‘read the room’, to pull back to get a better perspective. This is what I deduce: the woman I’m meeting is super-friendly and smiley,
jumping up to buy me a coffee. Also – and it’s good to be clued up, according to nunchi – I already know she’s a fashion person.
In an attempt to be less work-focused, I make fashion small talk. I had already noticed her truly spectacular 1970s cocktail ring. I ask her about it. She tells me the ring’s designer. Oh, I say, I love him! We chat about where and why she bought it. What this small talk helped me discover is that I’d like working with this woman. We’d get on. The next day, I get the job. Full points to nunchi.
If you are someone who lacks nunchi, you’ll be that person who’s unlikeable, says Euny, the one people roll their eyes about. The following day, walking into a work lecture with people I’ve never met, I feel an intense wave of social anxiety. Before you enter a room, according to nunchi, you should try to get into a state of stillness and relaxation.
So I stop and breathe. My usual tactic would be to take out my phone and do some emails. But nunchi says I need to get off my phone and communicate.
Asking questions is a very nunchi-ful thing to do, so I ask the woman standing next to me why she’s at the talk, and she tells me about her family’s food business. According to nunchi, instead of thinking of what you are going to say next – that funny anecdote, that hilarious riposte – you have to really listen to the other person: “People don’t need your story to be better than their story; they just need to know you’re listening.”
I try a nunchi technique with my son’s dad, as we start a tricky conversation about holiday childcare. Euny’s advice is not to say whatever comes to mind (which would probably be along the lines of, “Are you joking?”) but to start by taking a deep breath. Next, ask yourself: “What am I doing and why?” The purpose of this is to get ‘you’ out of your mind. It’s supposed to help you handle any situation with control. So, what am I doing? My answer: looking for a solution that works for both of us. Why am I doing it? Because I want to make our lives easier, not because I want to win. So instead of snapping, I make a jokey comment about how great – aka crap – I am with my diary and we both laugh.
And, just like that, the situation is defused.
As someone who’s in the habit of talking without thinking, I’ve felt first-hand how nunchi can smooth the way. Kind of like good manners, really. And like manners, if you are confused about what you should be doing, what is or isn’t nunchi-ful, just remember this: always consider the other person.