How to have a good argument

Sick of all the fights, tears and yelling?

You just need to master the art of productive disagreement.

The chance of having a heart attack doubles

in the two hours after an angry outburst,

so opt for a calm problemsolving manner

instead!

Think back to the last argument you had (which, given all the enforced time at home this year, probably won’t be too hard to recall). Whether it was a political debate or a heated discussion about finances, remember how you felt. Was anxiety tightening your chest? Did your brain bubble with all the reasons why you were right, but did you struggle to articulate them? Did you raise your voice? Did you roll your eyes? Did you leave the conversation feeling more frustrated than when you started? This kind of exasperating disagreement is all too common and is partly why many people find it easier to avoid arguments altogether. After all, being a peacekeeper is seen as a more desirable trait than being confrontational – especially for women, whose traditional role involves remaining calm and ensuring that everyone else feels comfortable.

But, says Buster Benson, author of Why Are We Yelling?, suppressing your desire to address issues you deem important can be detrimental to your health and wellbeing, and can damage your closest relationships. “If you make a habit of pushing down frustrations to keep the peace, you’re left with constant low-level anxiety that wears away your mental and physical health,” he says. “By avoiding issues you care about, the problems don’t go away – they just disappear under the surface, ready to come back and bite you in more obvious ways in future.”

According to Benson, if there’s a lot of shouting,

“if not at each other, then into your pillow”, then it calls for a rethink. It’s crucial to learn how to address conflict constructively. “Arguments might feel uncomfortable, but discomfort is key to growth,” he explains. “They can remove threats, reduce risks, result in deals or conclude with decisions, and strengthen your trust and connections with others.” Just as long as you argue smartly and mindfully. Turn the page to learn how to disagree productively.

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In many arguments – whether with a colleague, a spouse or a child – one person tends to hold more authority. So try to set up neutral spaces to have these discussions, such as on a walk or over a cup of tea. “Find times or places where the power dynamic isn’t reinforced by your surroundings,” Benson says. That could also involve sitting at the same level or facing the same direction.

According to Benson, you often use three internal voices to approach disputes. “There’s the voice of avoidance, which resolves conflict by simply not getting involved,” he explains. “The voice of power, which forcefully shuts arguments down. And then there’s the voice of reason, which uses supposed rationality, logic or morality.” The problem with that, says Benson, is it has to be based on some kind of belief system, so it isn’t well equipped to have productive disagreements with anyone who doesn’t respect your primary system of authority. For example, a socialist might struggle to argue constructively with a capitalist. Instead, he says, you should approach disagreements from the voice of possibility. “Try to see a disagreement as a sign pointing to something you don’t fully understand; seek to learn something from it,” says Benson. “This strategy investigates other perspectives and asks, ‘What else is possible? What am I missing?’”