LET IT GO

Learning to forgive others can not only free your body and mind from hurt and anger, but illness, too.

Letting go of grudges isn’t just good for the soul, it’s great for your body, too. Over the past few decades, a growing number of studies have examined the therapeutic effects of forgiveness and it turns out that it’s connected to better sleep and cardiovascular function as well as lower rates of depression and substance abuse, says Dr Frederic Luskin, author of Forgive For Good. In fact, people who are more forgiving report better health in general, less pain and fewer chronic illnesses. Plus, their overall mortality rates are lower. Luskin believes the reason is simple. “Hurt and anger are meant to be fleeting emotions,” he says, “not permanent fixtures.” Holding on to them can set off a chemical stress response that takes a toll on your body, from jacking up blood pressure to disrupting sleep.

That’s what happened to Beth*, 42. Several years ago, her husband had an affair, and though the couple agreed to work on their marriage, she struggled to move past her resentment. The fulltime mum had trouble eating and sleeping and found herself ducking into the bathroom to sob.

Nearly a year after she’d learnt of her partner’s infidelity, she resolved to forgive him, not for the sake of their marriage – for they’d decided to divorce – but for her own wellbeing. “I was with my kids at the park and one of them got on the monkey bars for the first time,” she says. “He wouldn’t let go of the first rung, so I kept telling him, ‘Honey, you have to let go, and then you can move forward!’ A lightbulb went on in my head. I knew that I’d have to forgive in order to feel whole again.” Every so often, when resentment threatens to return, Beth has to remind herself to grab the next rung. “But the bad moments have got shorter and shorter,” she says. “And they don’t knock me down anymore.”

In a recent Aussie survey, 50 per cent of respondents said that forgiving someone made them

happier.

1

ACKNOWLEDGE THE HURT Give yourself permission to get annoyed. For forgiveness to be authentic, and therefore helpful, you need to grapple with your fury as well as your sadness and vulnerability.“Some people never let themselves get angry, and there’s some degree of denial in this that isn’t healthy,” Luskin explains. Still, don’t stay there.“If anger becomes a habit, it’ll no longer give you anything of value. It’ll just become an active process of creating more misery for yourself.”

2

MAKE IT UNCONDITIONAL If you make forgiveness conditional, the other person is in control. You can’t let go until he or she makes amends – and that may never happen. In one study, those who forgave only after extracting promises from the other party didn’t get the health boost that unconditional forgivers did. So ditch the terms and conditions.

3

DO IT FOR YOURSELF People who feel they must forgive for external reasons – their relationship to the transgressor, for example – rather than getting to that point on their own, can end up feeling worse. In one workplace study, people who forgave coworkers because they didn’t see another option felt more stressed and less healthy than those who simply chose to drop the hard feelings. Instead of viewing the process as something you owe others, think about the stress your resentment causes and how freeing it would be to let that go.

4

REWORK YOUR STORY It’s okay to share your grievances with close friends, but there’s a difference between attracting support and throwing a pity party. “The more you tell a certain story about what happened, the more that comes to define you,” says Luskin. “It actually changes your brain; you’re deepening mental grooves, making it more likely you’ll have those thoughts again. After a while, that’s the only way you can think about the situation.” On the other hand, switching the story around can be incredibly empowering. You might, for example, imagine the break-up as an opportunity to pursue your own passions, improve your wellbeing or find a relationship better suited to you.

5 DON’T TRY TO ZIP

THROUGH IT Depending on the situation, it can take weeks, months or even years to get over a wound.“You have to go at your own pace,” says Luskin.What’s important is to work on it consistently and create the conditions that naturally give rise to forgiveness.The mind and body benefits will come when you begin to ditch bitterness and self-pity, one negative feeling at a time.