The politics of tweakments

Should we admit to minor adjustments and cosmetic procedures that make us feel good, and perhaps even look younger?

Recently I sat down to dinner with my husband and mother-in-law. I’d cooked something delicious and lit candles. And then this from my husband: “Have you ever had Botox?” Four eyeballs watched me, waiting. Honestly, who even asks that?

Some context: my husband has never asked anything specific about my beauty regime, except to say lovely things. He knows what I do for a living, and I’m assuming understands that means I sometimes test things that involve radio waves or lasers being blasted at my face. I came home recently with what looked like severe sunburn (laser induced) and he didn’t even mention it.

In my mind, we had an unspoken agreement not to probe. When I once found receipts for laser hair removal that were not mine, I left it, knowing these sorts of things are as much about confidence as anything else. And I didn’t want him to feel self-conscious. But here I was with the eyeballs.

The truth was I have had “fairy kisses”, as they are called by dermatologists. Teeny jabs of Botox, in my case, to iron out the creases between my brows. Once they were gone, I felt more attractive. And I came to think of the annual pilgrimage to the doctor’s office as a kind of marriage therapy. After all, now I could feel irritable for a moment without looking at the hubby with that “What the hell is wrong with you?” expression.

“Yes,” I answered, and the look of shock on his face was precisely why I didn’t share in the first place. On some level, I guess I’d like him to think I look like this naturally. And also, I don’t think he can possibly understand why I subject myself to such procedures, feeling torn between them and the desire to ease more honestly into my future, wrinkles and all. This may be a trivial dilemma in the grand scheme of things, but it is a real one.

What I want is to secretly go about my business and then for him (or anyone) to ask me, “Why do you look so well?” or “Have you been on holiday?” If you ask a more pointed question, I will be honest. Just promise you won’t tell anyone … or ask me over a candlelit dinner. Okay?