YOU'VE GOT QUESTIONS? SHE'S GOT ANSWERS (BUT YOU PROBABLY WON'T LIKE THEM)

What do you think about the new iphone 13? My phone is getting very old, and I’m thinking about buying a new one.

Paul wants a new iphone

Let me guess, your idea of very old is…18 months? That’s basically brand new! You should do what I do with my socks: (X~n s`n ni1n, ji& s`n ni1n, f9ngf9ng b^b^ y7u s`n ni1n, New for three years, old for three years, darn it and you get another three years). I never let anything go to waste. Granted, I can no longer close my cabinets as they’re stuffed with plastic bags and paper boxes, but (y6ub-i w%hu3n, when there is precaution, there is no danger). If you’re a member of the (yu-gu`ngz%, “moonlight clan,” people who spend their entire salary before the end of the month), and continue to (hu`qi1n r% li%shu@, spend money like flowing water), you won’t be able to (m2if1ng, buy an apartment) with big cabinets like mine to hold all the stuff that might come in handy someday!

What should I be this year for Halloween? Can you recommend any ghosts or monsters from Chinese mythology?

Jack Ouyang

Why be a (gu@, ghost)? So (hu#q#, ominous)!

You should go as (Zh4ng Ku!), the Tang dynasty ghostbuster with a big black beard and an angry face. He can chase down all the (ni%gu@ sh9sh9n, “ox ghosts and snake gods,” bad characters) and (q%nm5 lu3nw^, “demons and monsters dancing madly,” rogues of all kinds running amok) on Halloween. To stay in character, you should go around town and yell at all the people wearing (q!zhu`ng y#f%, bizarre clothing), and curse them back to hell! I hate the whole thing anyway:

It’s (r9n b& r9n, gu@ b& gu@, “neither human nor ghost, ” a total mess)! And what’s with the (n1ngu`d8ng, pumpkin lanterns)? Haven’t your parents told you to not play with your food?

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