YOU'VE GOT QUESTIONS? SHE'S GOT ANSWERS (BUT YOU PROBABLY WON'T LIKE THEM)

Hi! I have obtained access to your device and have been monitoring your internet activity. I have also uploaded a Trojan horse which gives me access to your camera and microphone. If you don’t transfer the amount equivalent to 1,490 US dollars to my Bitcoin wallet within 48 hours, I will send videos of you to your entire contact list.

Plambert

What a (zhōngshí fěnsī, loyal fan)! You like me so much that you want to (guānzhù, pay attention to) my every move. Did you see the (xiànshàng páiliàn, online rehearsal) of our newest (guǎngchǎngwǔ biānwǔ, plaza dance choreography)? I don't know what else my (shèxiàngt5u, camera) shows. Probably just me

(dǎdǔnr, dozing off) while watching boring

(liánxùjù, soap operas). Maybe you can tell me if my grandson has been (tōutōu dǎ y5uxì, sneakily playing video games) on my computer?

Did your horse thing also detect my (Gu5jiā Fǎnzhà Zhōngxīn, National Anti-fraud Center) app? I know exactly

(nǐ húlu li mài de shénme yào, “what medicine you're selling in your calabash,” what you're scheming)! My family already warned me, when you're online, “给钱不要，要钱

(gěi qián bú yào, yào qián bù gěi, don't take money and don't give any money away).” Why can't you go make money properly like all those (chéngshí de niánqīngrén, honest young people) out there?

I think my smartphone is spying on me. The other day, I was talking about teeth-whitening and now I’m getting all these ads for corrective surgery. Dear Ayi, what do I do?

Toothy Tim

Why so (méi lǐmào, rude) to your phone? I once overheard my son complaining to his (gēmenr, bro) about some (gǎnqíng wèntí, romantic troubles), so I thought, “this one is definitely going to (chuī le, not work out).” The next few days, I asked him to go

(mǎicài, buy groceries) with me, but we detoured to a (gōngyuán xiāngqīnjiǎo, match-making corner at a park). I keep telling him about all the (dānshēn shìlíng, single and suitably aged) daughters of my dance friends, but that ungrateful boy (lāhēi, blocked) my contact for a while until he had to (yào qián, ask for money) again! Well, that made me a bit (xīnliáng, disappointed), but I still have his (xiāngqīn wǎngzhàn zhànghào, dating site profile) running. I just want him to (ān gjiā, settle down) so I don't have to (cāoxīn, worry).

(āi, sigh), this is what I call (hǎoxīn dàngzuò l(gānfèi, “treat good heart as donkey liver and lung,” or misinterpret well-wishing). Why worry about

(yǐnsī, privacy) and (biānjiègǎn, sense of boundary)? Cut your millennial (chědàn, crap)! Aren't we all just (wèile nǐ hǎo, trying to look out for you)?

Got questions for our Agony Ayi? Send them to agonyayi@theworldofchinese.com