“THE MOST PRECIOUS THING IS, UNLIKE MOST PARENTS, MY PARENTS NEVER PERCEIVE THEMSELVES TO BE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.”
problems with children, as is generally the case in inter-generational passing of discipline patterns. Indeed, the same dynamics exist between my mother’s brother, who also suffered from the violence inflicted by their father, and his son, my cousin, who was severally physically punished as a child. They are not in regular contact any more.
In 2021, I sent my friend Mao Lu, a widely read blogger on romantic relationships and personal growth, a long text message confessing how my childhood shaped how I interact with people socially. In romantic relationships, I wrote, I have been constantly and sometimes blindly looking for someone with whom I can be a “happy, carefree, and silly child,” the opposite of my mother’s expectations. Additionally, this sense of having missed out on a happy childhood pushed me to always want to help however I can whenever I sense someone is living with depression or loneliness, even if it’s not my business. “It’s like a redemption, as if making someone else a bit happier is giving the past me a salvaging hug,” I wrote.
Though also born in the 1980s, Lu herself never experienced harsh discipline growing up. “My parents’ approach to teaching me lessons is primarily through reasoning. When they told me I did wrong, they would explain why, and how to do it right. There were of course times where I would insist I was right, then we would just debate to see who could persuade the other,” says Lu. “The most precious thing is, unlike most parents, they never perceive themselves to be absolutely right. They have no problem apologizing and admitting mistakes.”
China’s new generation of parents seems to be pushing back against harsh discipline. Various media have taken note of how parents born in the 1990s are raising their children, centering around lower expectations and pressure, encouragement of recreation and freedom, and a light-hearted family atmosphere. Another of my cousins and her husband, a couple in their early 30s who just had a baby boy in August, are firm in their rejection of harsh physical punishment. “If he severely misbehaves, I might still give him some light tapping on the back, but nothing really violent or hurtful. I don’t think violent words or treatments really help children to grow. We’ve all been through it and know it just does not,” says my cousin’s husband.
Lu believes her own parents’ doctrine for raising children is based in happiness. “My parents just want me to be happy. Those who believe in discipline and pushing their children to be successful diminish this happinessoriented approach.” To Lu, this has shaped her way of dealing with romance. “It made me see respect as the pre-requisite for any romantic relationship. Just as importantly, it teaches me how to love someone.”
Now that my grandmother has moved in, my mother tries to arrange a video call with the three of us every weekend. We talk about easy topics— work, cooking, energy bills, my cousin’s newborn baby, weekend excursions, and her singing class at the local academy for seniors. Several times,
I’ve wanted to tell her that I’m finally writing about her, but I could not bring myself to do so. Perhaps someday I will compile this article into a long letter, and let her read it.
farmland n5ngtián dividend fēnh5ng homestead zháijīdì land right tǔdìquán village collective c$njítǐ construction boom jiànshè rècháo
The last two decades have witnessed a construction boom in rural China.
Guòqù èrshí nián, Zhōnggu5 xīngqǐle yì gǔ xiāngc$n jiànshè rècháo.