The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

Totally unique guide to EVERY car on sale in the UK, with a punchy view on all of them – yours included

ABARTH

595 > Pricey pocket rockets with divine details, dodgy dynamics and a choice of 1.4-litre turbocharged engines in various stages of steroidal overcompensation > VERDICT Like a small yappy dog: noisy, excitable and likely to give you a headache 124 SPIDER > Tuning division’s take on Fiat’s take on the Mazda MX-5, with tweaked brakes, engine, steering and suspension > VERDICT A delight to drive, but the rational decision is to go for a better-value Mazda

ALFA ROMEO

GIULIETTA > Looked like a credible Golf rival for a while but now the game has moved on. Keen prices, but several alternatives are roomier, classier and more fun to drive > VERDICT Miles better than a Mito. Miles better than a 4C, even. But, unfortunately, miles behind a Golf 4C/4C SPIDER > Sexy carbon two-seater over-promises and under-delivers on a double-your-dong-length webscam scale. Spider a step in right direction

> VERDICT Shoots for the moon, hits itself in the foot. Lotus Elise more fun, Porsche Cayman a better bet GIULIA > Good grief – an Alfa Romeo we can finally recommend that you buy. Auto-only 3-series rival has sharp steering, sultry looks, great driving position. Bellissimo! > VERDICT Note to dealers: don’t cock it up STELVIO > Either we’ve collectively entered another dimension or Alfa has just built two excellent cars in a row. Now we just need everyone to start buying them again > VERDICT Worth the risk at least once in your life GIULIA QUADRIFOGLIO > Make that three. Like a regular Giulia doped up by Lance Armstrong, this 191mph, 503bhp rocket is a quadruple shot of espresso for Alfa’s long lamented soul. At last > VERDICT The closest you can currently get to a four-door Ferrari. Really. That good

ALPINA

D3/B3 > 3-series derivatives with twin-turbo petrol and diesel stonk and smooth auto ’boxes mated to a quality chassis, but watch out for some questionable OAP-spec interior finishes

> VERDICT Try an xDrive D3 Touring – it’s what the M3 wants to be when it grows up D4/B4 > Same blend of fast and frugal as above but slotted into slinkier 4-series shell. ZF auto not as snappy as M4’s twin-clutch, but much smoother

> VERDICT 53mpg and 62mph in 4.6sec? And you’re alright with this, BMW? D5/B5 > Twin-turbo B5 petrol V8’s 590lb ft could de-forest the Amazon while planet-loving D5 doesn’t let a meagre 155g/km prevent 174mph max > VERDICT You can’t have a real M5 Touring, but this comes close B7 > BMW doesn’t make an M7, but Alpina does. Twin-blown petrol V8 delivers ’bahn-busting performance that’s best enjoyed in Germany

> VERDICT Niche Merc-AMG S63 alternative hamstrung by the ugliness of the raw materials XD3 > X3 35d-based high-rise hot rod delivers 350bhp, 516lb ft, and the horizon through your windscreen. Spoiled by a rock-hard ride

> VERDICT Another niche BMW that Munich leaves to Alpina. Porsche Macan is better

ARIEL

ATOM > Only the Pope’s lips get more up close and personal with the tarmac than an Atom driver, but there’s zero protection when the heavens open

> VERDICT Spectacular toy. Great on track, barmy

on road NOMAD > Not content with terrifying on tarmac, Ariel also o ers the o -road Nomad. Gains a roll-over structure but, like the Atom, still no doors

> VERDICT Remember to put the hot water on – you’ll need a long, hot bath when you get home

ASTON MARTIN

VANTAGE > A truly convincing 911 rival that’s impressively aggressive and thrillingly quick. Interior is pleasingly solid but lacks fizz > VERDICT A stunner to look at and rewarding to drive DB11 > Slick aero slinkiness, belting V12 turbo and, crucially, Merc help with wiring > VERDICT Finally the right blend of new stu and classic Aston charm results in a cut-above GT DBS SUPERLEGGERA

> Superlight it isn’t, and can’t match the spine tingle of a Ferrari Superfast, but stunning to look at, incredibly quick and dripping with prestige

> VERDICT A proper flagship GT, but softer-edged than an 812 RAPIDE S > Take that, Panamera! Aston shows Porsche how to make a supercar/saloon cocktail. Forget all the limo pretensions, though: it’s a four-door 2+2

> VERDICT Pretty, but interior more dated than a New York socialite and almost as hard on your wallet

ALPINE

ALPINE A110 > Desirable, cleverly packaged and dynamics to die for. A bit pricey and the interior lacks wow but the Cayman should be seriously worried

> VERDICT Reborn Alpine has smashed it clean out of the park

AUDI

> Second-generation Mini rival is five-door only and ups the dimensions, tech and maturity, although you can spec it in brash two-tone colour combos. Best at its simplest > VERDICT The Evoque of superminis: stylish, posh and will sell like hot cakes A3 SPORTBACK/SALOON > King of quality, but adrenalin isn’t specified among the standard kit, although S versions are generally livelier all round > VERDICT Classy fivedoor hatch and four-door saloon, and not much of a financial gulf to a Golf A3 CABRIOLET > Premium sun-grabber without macho sports-car posturing. A bit tight in the back, but pretty tight in the bends too. Try a 1.8 TFSI Sport > VERDICT Definitely worth the £2k premium over a VW Golf