How to cheat your way to a perkier posterior after 50
These days I have to sadly admit that what was once a gloriously pert posterior is not quite what it was.
Although I’m the same dress size I’ve always been, I’m rather aware that my derriere has lost some padding at the top. My buttocks, too, have dropped a little. From the side, I’m less ‘chiselled marble’ and more ‘carrier bag of jelly’.
Now in my 60s, I often mourn the lovely youthful bottom I once had. Nothing’s quite right now it’s started to sag — my beautiful Joseph trousers just don’t sit exactly as they should, and dresses don’t cling in the right places.
so I was heartened to see Nicole Kidman on the red carpet this week looking suddenly more curvaceous than she has done in years. It gave me hope that perhaps there is a solution to middleage sag — if only I knew what it was.
To understand our options, we have to know why our bottoms are on the descent. Indeed, some experts believe your backside is a better indicator of your vintage than your complexion.
‘Bottoms are all about your age,’ says plastic surgeon Mo Akhavani, at The Plastic surgery Group in London.
The great middle-age bottom shrink is evidence of the cruelty of ageing. For despite the fact many of us will have spent decades wishing for a smaller bottom, just as we begin to lose the volume — as weight instead accumulates around the middle — we also start to suffer from the effects of gravity.
skin sags and everything heads south. Forget wrinkles, there’s no more universal sign of middle-age than a flat bottom with a sag. Mr Akhavani agrees: ‘When women are in their teens, the hormone oestrogen kicks in and fat deposits on breasts and the bottom. At the same time, there are high levels of collagen and elastin, so skin tone is good.’
Then come our 40s and 50s when oestrogen decreases, which results in fat loss. ‘Muscle mass also decreases, so perky bottoms usually become consigned to the past,’ he says. You might imagine the only permanent cure is surgery. Not exactly, says Mr Akhavani. While it might be perfect for tightening a middle-aged jaw-line, surgical procedures may have little positive effect on older bottoms.
Why? ‘The Brazilian butt lift involves injecting fat into the area. If skin is saggy, there’s nothing to support it, and you may experience even more droop.’ That’s not a vision I wish to entertain.
Mr Akhavani says the best thing to do is squats to maintain muscle. oh dear, squats only give me knee problems. Is there a quick fix?
happily, there’s been a boom in clever clothing targeted at my age group that claims to improve your derriere. Who knows which one Kidman may have been wearing, but I’m willing to try these miracle workers to find one for me.
‘It doesn’t matter how shrunken your backside is, these garments will smooth skin and lift bottoms,’ says lingerie designer Jenna Barnes from Raine and Bea. ‘A strong layer of spandex may be directly under the bottom to provide lift, with lighter Lycra fabric used on the bottom itself, and elastic around the waistband so it stays in place.’
so which of these innovative undies can make middle-aged posteriors like mine look marvellous?
GRAVITY-DEFYING WORKOUT WONDERS Sweaty Betty Zero Gravity Leggings, £95, sweatybetty.com
WHAT? These leggings are made from light fabric that uses compression (squeezing, basically) to mould the bottom, while wicking away sweat. TEST: There’s usually no hiding place for a less-than-peachy peach at the gym, as leggings are notoriously unflattering.
Yet not only are these very comfortable, they make me look far more toned than I am. I’m not convinced by the pattern, but that’s nit-picking, as they create a smooth line around my bottom and hips. There’s a pleasingly secure feel — nothing wobbles when I do star jumps, and I don’t have to keep hitching them up. From the side, my buttocks are defined and a little lifted. PERT RATING: 7/10
PASSION-KILLING CONTROL TIGHTS Wolford Velvet Support Tights, £35, wolfordshop.co.uk
WHAT? A pair of soft and velvety support tights, with firm control. TEST: These are so tight you could
probably go on a flight and avoid deep vein thrombosis — even a circus contortionist might struggle to get into them. They would also be passion killers.
That said, I love the soft material and Wolford tights tend to last a long time. But I’m not sure there’s much difference to my bottom. They’re a gentle buttock hug, rather than a good heave upwards. Expensive for what they are, too. PERT RATING: 4/10
FOAM PADS GIVE YOU PEACHY CURVES Magic Body fashion Bottom Boost, £49.50, magicbodyfashion.com
WHAT? Bottom-shaping briefs with a silicone waistband made from polyamide and elastane, with removable foam pads to make your bottom look more pert. TEST: These look like a nude-coloured superhero suit, with functional seams down the front and a rather indecent seam down the middle of the buttocks.
After struggling for quite a while to get in them, I feel very firmly squished and my bottom looks like a shiny peach.
The two pads inside the pants curve around my bottom, creating the illusion of high, taut and youthful buttocks.
It’s not an attractive look for the bedroom. But the effect is excellent once I put a shift dress on over the top. I look as though I’ve done a million squats and lunges.
However, close up you can see that there’s something a little odd about my bottom. I can’t help but chuckle at the thought of someone trying to pat it and bouncing off the foam.
Yet after 15 minutes I feel uncomfortable and I’m panting. There’s no denying these briefs hold you in all the way to the waist — but I can’t breathe. PERT RATING: 8/10
SHAPEWEAR THAT’S STILL SEXY Triumph Magic Boost Velvet Shapewear, £28, uk.triumph.com
WHAT? A sheer, high-waisted control pant made of stretch-tulle with a flocked velvet floral design. Scalloped edges ensure no visible panty line (VPL). TEST: At last, underwear that hoicks up the bottom and is still pleasant to wear! The crinkly edge makes the tops of my thighs look slimmer. The knickers give a gentle lift to the bottom, which is more youthful without being too obvious. As a bonus, my tummy is pulled in as well. A winner all round. PERT RATING: 9/10 LIKE A WONDERBRA FOR THE BOTTOM
Miraclesuit Shapewear, £42.95, figleaves.com
WHAT? A derriere-lifting boy short with sheer panelling, featuring what they call Wonderful Edge technology, which basically means no VPL. A band of material sits under the bottom, providing the lift and definition. TEST: This is like a Wonderbra for the bottom. The effect is so pronounced that I’m not entirely convinced I even like my new gravity-defying shape.
And boy, was it a struggle to get these on. I had to lie on the floor and wriggle my way in.
I love the high waist, which squeezes in my stomach wonderfully. Round the back, though, the sheer fabric across the bottom isn’t particularly flattering, even if the band which hitches up my buttocks certainly does the job.
Each buttock is quite literally lifted up and pushed together.
It’s rather terrifying, but the result is certainly worth it. PERT RATING: 9/10