One of the most important things to do about coping with suicide is to get used to talking about it
intrusive thoughts – and in Joe’s case, suicidal ones.
‘The documentary is just the easiest way I could find to show people what it’s like for me to live with my mental illness,’ he says. ‘It’s difficult, isn’t it, because you can’t see it, and if it can’t be seen it can be denied.’
In the programme, the negative voice in his head is christened ‘Mick’.
Best known for his role as Dennis Savage in Hollyoaks, Joe was diagnosed with BPD a decade ago. ‘It’s like a pound shop bipolar. It does most of the same stuff but some of it is a bit worse,’ he says. ‘It’s an emotional disorder, so I feel things wrong. I feel too much at the wrong time, or not enough. I’ve essentially got the emotions of an eight-year-old. It doesn’t help when you’re 35!”
The diagnosis came after a battle with drug and alcohol addiction. ‘I’m 11 years clean, and it was about 18 months after I got clean – that’s when my life got worse. I was expecting it to be sorted and fine, but no, I turned into an even bigger a***hole.
‘As soon as I was given that title of a thing I was like, if it’s a thing then the thing can be fixed. I did immediately think it might be a quicker event to get it sorted but, you know, I’m still here.’
Joe, who published his bestselling book Ten Things I Hate About Me in 2022, doesn’t gloss over his trials and tribulations in the documentary. It’s an ugly-cryand-all portrait of a man fighting to stay alive, with occasional dark humour.
Viewers may find it uncomfortable how frankly Joe talks about suicide, having made multiple attempts to take his own life.
‘Such a big part of my day-to-day is coping with suicidal thoughts. I’ve taken the severity out of it because it needed to be an everyday thing, like lunch. People talk about lunch because that’s a thing you need regularly, and what I need regularly is to not kill myself. One of the most important things anybody can do about coping with suicide is for us to get used to people talking about it.’
The programme explores the impact Joe’s disorder has on his loved ones, including his father and mother, Debbie – the pair are no longer together – and girlfriend Holly (‘I didn’t know I could love anybody as much as I love her’).
‘Dad will draw a line under things and deal with it on his own. It was difficult to deal with the cameras there, for Dad particularly. Even though he and I are in the same business, we run our businesses differently. Dad hasn’t spent his 40-year career going on Lorraine talking about being sad.
‘The fact he has been up for being a part of it and having those chats meant a lot to me. It’s not easy for Dad. It’s not easy for mum, either. Something I’m proud of the documentary for is the fact it shows how difficult it is to love somebody like me.
‘Mum tries to be very positive. I’ll tell her I’ve got some sort of end-of-the-world feeling. She’s like, “Well, keep your chin up,” and I’ll go, “Moving my face doesn’t help, but thanks, Mum!”. Joe adds that she has a large collection of Live Laugh Love homeware which, yes, she gifted him.
A natural performer, Joe kept the nation entertained during lockdown with his viral dance videos. In the programme, he returns to his happy place – the stage – for a stand-up gig inspired by his mental health issues. He does worry that being so open might affect his career.
‘I’m making a big poster saying I’m not all right. But at the end of the day, if it helps me carry on being here then I’m aware that’s the important thing.’
How does he feel about the future? ‘BPD defines how I am, not who I am. I’m feeling positive about the fact I’m in the best position I’ve ever been to be able to cope with how my head is.’ Joe bends down to stroke his dog – and a warm grin fills his face once more.
Me And The Voice In My Head will be broadcast on Monday at 10pm on
C4. Anyone can contact Samaritans – free 24/7 – on
116 123, email jo@samaritans.org
or visit samaritans.org