What is in your power?

Rachel continued to go over the details of her brother’s rejection of her. ‘Maybe it is his wife’s decision… She was always quite controlling and didn’t warm to our family,’ she pondered. ‘Perhaps he is having a mental health crisis and I should have helped him… Have I offended him without realising? Perhaps he always hated me and waited until both our parents died before rejecting me… Maybe I am actually a horrible person and don’t realise it…’ she guessed.

Rachel acknowledged that she was experiencing a painful bereavement, although her bother was still alive. I felt such compassion for Rachel as she wrestled to find a reason why he had deserted her, questioned herself and blamed herself for things she imagined she might have done to cause it.

Rachel was going around in circles and all she could think about was the situation with her brother.

I asked her: ‘How much do you think your brother agonises over what has happened?’

That stopped Rachel in her tracks. ‘I guess he is just getting on with his life while mine has come to a grinding halt. He holds all the cards and has all the control. I am powerless. I am just waiting for him to invite me back and maybe that will never happen.’

I suggested gently that one way forward would be to start thinking about people in her life and aspects of it that nourish her, and what she could control.

“Grief is not only associated with the death of a loved one – it can be triggered by all sorts of changes”