HARRIET MINTER
THE NEW PODCAST FROM SELF-HELP guru Glennon Doyle unexpectedly upset my apple cart. In an episode of We Can Do Hard Things, she focuses on boundaries and how important they are for our mental wellbeing. If you’ve read this column before, you will know that I heartily agree with her, because saying a polite but firm ‘no’ is one of the basics for a happy life. I was, however, intrigued when she raised the idea that perhaps, as well as learning when to assert our boundaries, we also need to stretch them. When does a boundary stop being a fence that protects us and become a cage that locks us away?
Isn’t it always the case that just as you think you’ve got an area of life nailed, somebody comes along to show you that you’re not as good at it as you think you are? As I listened, I started to see boundaries that might be causing me more problems than they were solving. There was the work boundary that said that unless a commission fell exactly into the topics I was focusing on, I wouldn’t take it – which meant I turned down work I might have found interesting and would have earned me more money.
There was the boundary that said I wasn’t to buy anything until I’d reached my savings goal – which resulted in me badly mending jumpers that had seen better days and having to restart my laptop 20 times a day because I wouldn’t admit that I needed a new one.
And then there was a boundary around relationships that set out exactly how I should be treated and what I wanted in a partner. Helpful to some extent, but blocking me from allowing someone to express their own version of love for me, even if it wasn’t quite what I had envisaged.
It threw me into a tailspin. Had I been doing boundaries wrong all this time? Did I need to figure them all out again? The last time I did that, I ended up on a 10-year personal development quest and, to be honest, I could just do with a little break from all the growth. But that’s never how life works, is it?
So, I’ve spent the past few weeks having a reassessment and looking at the boundaries I’ve sneakily put in place without telling anyone, and I’ve spoken up about them. I’ve let myself lower some that have been my protection over the years and I’ve experienced what that feels like. (Spoiler alert – it feels terrifying and I’ve had to remind myself that it’s OK to put them back if necessary.) And I’ve come to the conclusion that, when it comes to boundaries, I’m a beginner again, and that’s fine. In fact, being back at the beginning is a blessing because it means there are still lessons to be learned and adventures to be had and, after a year in which we’ve all felt stuck, that is something for which I can only be grateful.