‘HOW CAN I CHANGE MY FAMILY’S MIND ABOUT MOVING?’
Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you
Agony aunt Mary Fenwick gives sage advice to readers with life dilemmas
I left Wales at the age of 18 and later met my husband, who is not Welsh, and we have lived all over the place. Twenty-five years after leaving, I would like to return to the land of my birth. My husband and two daughters don’t like the idea but I want my parents to enjoy their grandchildren before it’s too late. Should I put my foot down about it? Alex, 44
AI see this happening in my network of New Zealand expats too: as we get older, the pull towards our roots gets stronger, sometimes triggered by seeing our children growing up in a way that is so different from our own.
The person I turn to for advice on relationships is psychologist John Gottman, who can predict divorce with 90 per cent accuracy! There is a small network of Gottman-endorsed couples therapists in the UK, and I spoke to Alison Collis. She made a distinction between core needs and flexible needs. It sounds as if you’ve been flexible until now, so the urgency of this feeling might be a surprise to your family, and maybe even to you.
The first challenge will be to clearly express what you mean and want – what is so important? Is it your own time with your parents, giving them time with their grandchildren or that whenever you leave Wales, you want to have a plan for the next visit?
It doesn’t mean that there is a perfect solution – the Gottman research says that 69 per cent of relationship problems never get resolved. That in itself doesn’t matter. What counts is your ability to hold onto respect and admiration within the couple, so you can approach any challenges as a team.
One way to do this is to revisit happier memories of getting together in the first place. What dreams did you share with your husband then, and what are your dreams now? Again, they don’t need to match, but you need to know and honour each other’s aspirations.
Collis used the metaphor of a bagel: In the centre are your core needs, but the bigger part is the flexibility around those. Is it possible to find a different way for you to spend quality time with your parents, while working out a longer term plan? The way you discuss this will be an influential role model for your daughters on how to handle their own conflicts in the future.