‘I’M IN DEBT AND MY ONLINE SHOPPING IS OUT OF CONTROL’

Award-winning coach Kim Morgan guides a reader who has ended up in financial trouble during lockdown

Award-winning coach Kim Morgan guides a woman who has backed herself into a corner financially during the loneliness and monotony of lockdown

“Spending gives me a quick fix for isolation and anxiety”

It took time and courage for Shanie* to tell me why she wanted coaching. However, sometimes, there are clues from the outset. Shanie shut down the conversation that I initiated about my fees: ‘It’s no problem. I will pay up front,’ she said hurriedly. Her doorbell rang with deliveries several times during our session. I wondered whether Shanie’s relationship with money had anything to do with her asking for help.

Towards the end of the session, Shanie finally told me why she had sought my guidance. ‘I live on my own and have been on furlough since the beginning of lockdown. I am lonely, bored and anxious about what is going to happen to me.’ I asked Shanie what was causing her the most anguish. My question released a torrent of words and emotions: ‘I’m worried about money. I’m overdrawn and in debt. I probably have a shopping addiction. It’s so easy to just click and buy. I purchase things I don’t need. When the doorbell rang today, I couldn’t even remember what I had ordered,’ she said in despair.

Shanie was clearly distressed and, as we were close to the end of the session, I wanted her to leave feeling that she had made some progress. I thanked her for her honesty and I said I appreciated the courage that it had taken for her to talk about her spending. ‘Often, the first step in making a change is acknowledging your situation and taking a long, hard look at the reality,’ I told Shanie. ‘Congratulations on having done that today. Once you have acknowledged where you are, you can start to think about where you want to be, and what will help you get there.’

It was also important for me to be clear at this stage about the limits of my expertise – that I was not a specialist in debt or addiction counselling and that, as our sessions progressed, I may feel it more appropriate to refer Shanie to more specialised support.

What’s the pay-off?

Shanie had been thinking about her spending. ‘I shop online to make myself feel better,’ she said. ‘I justify it by telling myself that I’m not paying for travel, lunches, nights out or hair appointments.’

I asked Shanie how she feels when she buys something, and when it arrives. ‘I get a buzz,’ she said. ‘I even like it when the delivery person takes a photo of me! How sad is that?’

‘What do you think your habit is giving you that you don’t have otherwise?’ I asked.

‘Attention, feeling important, excitement, choice and control,’ she replied with surprising insight.

‘How do you feel after the initial rush?’ I pressed. ‘Remorse, shame and worried about debt,’ she admitted. I asked Shanie to imagine herself in five years’ time if she didn’t stop, and to tell me what she saw. Shanie was upset as she described herself as penniless and jobless. This was a worst-case scenario but to increase motivation to change, it is important to link our behaviour with potential long-term consequences. We continued to work on Shanie’s potential future by imagining the best version of herself in five years’ time and what would get her there. Shanie scribbled copious notes and was deep in thought by the end of our session.

Who do you aspire to be?

Shanie had drawn the two versions of her future self. ‘I keep them by my desk – the one I want to become and the one I never want to become,’ she announced. ‘If I feel the urge to buy something I do not need, I look at the drawing of the Shanie I never want to be and it stops me from spending!’

‘Who is the person you want to be?’ I asked. ‘What role does she play in her own life?’

Shanie replied: ‘She has choice and control over her life and she is loved and happy. She gives and gets attention – and not just from the person taking her photograph at the door to prove delivery! The two potential Shanies keep me focused on where I want to go and where I could end up if I don’t change my behaviour.’

‘Just like that?’ I asked in astonishment.

‘Pretty much – yes! Thank you – that exercise shocked me into seeing the reality of my circumstances. The only thing I have bought since then is a book about managing money!’

For more, see barefootcoaching.co.uk or follow @Barefootcoaches on Twitter

KIM ADDS… Sometimes, a client presents an issue that is close to a coach’s own experience, which is like having a mirror held up to ourselves. Meeting Shanie made me confront the fact that I had also been comfort shopping during lockdown. Shanie never knew this, but her determination and courage inspired me to make changes too.