How can we bridge the divide and find our way back to intimacy?

“You’ll rebuild confidence by taking action and awarding yourself small badges of courage”

Q

I want more sex than my husband does, even though I’m the one who is menopausal. I feel like he gives me excuses that don’t seem genuine to me, and that he doesn’t fancy me anymore. It makes me feel unattractive and question myself. Is he emasculated because I earn more than him? Or is it that I’ve put on weight? The whole ‘sexy underwear’ thing used to work, but now I’m fatter, I doubt that will help matters either! I don’t know how to find our way back.

Psychosexual therapist Jo Coker says we have a lot of myths about sex, including: ‘Men want sex more than women’, ‘Women go off sex as they get older’, and ‘Sexiness is related to body size’. You might have versions of all these in your head, but the missing link is that you don’t know whether your husband has the same or different stories. In the meantime, Coker says it’s common in heterosexual couples for women to blame themselves.

Unfortunately, this can’t be solved by going over it in your own head; you’ll rebuild confidence by taking action and awarding yourself small badges of courage.

With your husband, you could try Brené

Brown’s technique of saying ‘The story I’m telling myself is…’ It’s a way of sharing while acknowledging that you might be wrong. Your version could be ‘The story I’m telling myself is you no longer fancy me’.

Meanwhile, could you invest in some new underwear that makes you feel luscious and desirable? Or, follow the example of ‘silver-haired curve model’ Rachel Peru (see her top ten midlife body confidence tips).

Sex is mostly about communication, not the mechanics, but it’s worth considering factors such as erectile problems, heart trouble, depression or changes in hormones for your husband as well.

You don’t mention children, but the feelings of devastation when our young fly the nest are beginning to affect men just as much as women. He might find these things just as difficult to discuss as you do, if they go to the heart of what he feels to be his masculine role.

The main question here is whether you can find a way to discuss these questions together, or whether you might need a therapist to help you get started. Sometimes, we need another set of eyes and ears to help us find a new pathway – but, sometimes, all we need is a tiny piece of silk. cosrt.org.uk; rachelperu.co.uk