Why does passing on our mother’s possessions feel like a betrayal?

Q I’m feeling really upset about a family heirloom that my sister has given away, and I’m worried that talking about it will just make us both feel worse. It’s a ring that belonged to my mother, and my sister has given it to her son’s girlfriend. I didn’t even know until I saw her wearing it, and the shock took my breath away. I feel like it’s gone out of the family. What if the couple split up?

I can really identify with the way we link objects and people when someone dies: we seem to merge their being into some of their things. When I unexpectedly found a pair of my late husband’s shoes, I burst into tears that were almost projectile.

I hear two threads here: one is how to recover your own emotional equilibrium, and the other is how to have an honest conversation with your sister in a way that might be healing.

Bereavement therapist Jessica Mitchell says her clients can feel embarrassed about their attachment to objects – but it’s a common part of grief. She wondered whether your sister might have similar feelings but is dealing with them in a different way: ‘Perhaps she feels “I’m giving and growing into a new connection”, while you feel “If this floats away, what am I losing?’”

I know it might be a cliché, but the feelings are about losing your mother, not the ring. What are the things that still linger with you, in your sense of loss? This could be an opportunity to share something emotional with your sister. It’s tempting to believe that other people can read our minds, but perhaps for her any issue about jewellery was done and dusted when it was divided up, while you were too numb to process that at the time.

You might acknowledge that the strength of your own reaction has surprised you: ‘I’ve realised that I’m not as resolved about mum’s death as I thought; could I talk to you about it?’

Mitchell also suggests that you think more widely, rather than get stuck on the immediate pain. It might be helpful to talk to another close friend first, to practise the words, or try writing a letter to your sister, even if you don’t send it.

I read a great phrase recently about using regret as fuel. Your mother is gone, but your sister is still here. What do you want your relationship to look like in the future? How can you use this immediate incident as a stepping stone towards that?