WHAT HAPPENED NEXT THE WORLD CUP

April 2018

With two months to go before the World Cup in Russia, Theresa May’s threat that no British Royal family members will attend is amusing the hosts. ‘You mean we won’t get to meet Meghan? Oh my God! We’d better stop assassinating people and apologise immediately!’ Vladimir Putin’s spokesman guffaws. ‘Oh wait, we don’t care.’ Apoplectic, May responds with the strongest act of international passive aggression currently in Britain’s arsenal. She sends Andrew and Fergie. ‘See how they like that.’

June 2018

England manager Gareth Southgate isn’t prepared to take any chances with his side’s safety during the tournament. For the team’s farewell photocall at Heathrow, the entire squad appear wearing Nike-designed hazmat suits with their names printed on the back, while a vat of Yorkshire Tea and a shipping container filled with pre-packed sandwiches and half-time oranges are on-board, in order to avoid local food. ‘Credit to the opposition, but it’s going to be loads of games of two halves, and at the end of the day, the boys need to not be poisoned,’ captain Harry Kane tells reporters, before tripping up the plane’s steps and breaking his metatarsal.

July 2018

Despite playing the entire group stage in gas masks, England have their best World Cup in years, reaching the final against Russia. Now that the game is more than a sporting occasion, Southgate is sacked and replaced by an eager, tracksuited Theresa May. She implements a new training regime (running through fields of wheat), a fresh defensive set-up (strong and stable) and an incomprehensible game plan (football means football). It all works wonders, up until Putin personally shoots winger Raheem Sterling with a crossbow when he’s through to score the winning goal. The attack is caught from 46 camera angles, but Putin denies it, a position Jeremy Corbyn sees no reason to doubt. — Guy Kelly