Smile if a man calls you bossy – it means he’s afraid of you

IHAVE a theory that in every compliment there is an implied criticism, and in every criticism there’s an implied compliment. So ‘Wow you look great – have you lost weight?’ means ‘You looked a bit tubbier when I last saw you.’ Likewise ‘Love the new haircut! Rod Stewart’s such a . . . strong look, at our age’ really means ‘For crying in a bucket, woman! You’ve gone and had a mullet!’

And so to the furore over the word ‘bossy’, a word that almost always sounds negative and critical when used by men against women, as – funnily enough – this is how men intend it to sound: like a verbal deterrent.

As a result, a worthy claque of prominent mainly American females has decided to delete the word from discourse.

Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg, Beyoncé, Victoria Beckham, former US Secretary of State Condi Rice, Diane von Furstenberg and the one in the tracksuit from Glee have leant in and added their support to a US Girl Guides’ campaign to ban the word, arguing that fear of being called bossy is preventing girls from getting on.

The brief #banbossy video reveals that, in the US, the average girl’s self-esteem plummets 3.5 times faster than a boy’s between grade (ie primary) and high school (ie secondary), and that, at 12, girls have lost interest in being a leader, or even expressing themselves.

I agree this is a problem. After all, in the index to Charles Moore’s biography of Lady Thatcher, under ‘character’ these are the complete entries between A for ‘ambition’, and C for ‘courage’: antiques collecting, attitude to children, attitude to other women, attitude to sport, bossiness and hectoring, caution, compassion, competitiveness, concentration, conversational style.

WHICH makes me think that if you’re not being called bossy, you’re doing something wrong. But even so I can’t imagine the words ‘bossiness and hectoring’ peppering the index of a doorstop biography of any great male leader.

And I agree it’s terribly annoying that men are called masterful, commanding, virile and alpha, whereas assertive, authoritative women who show any of the same characteristics of leadership are bossy, bullies or bitches.

When I’m called bossy by lesser breeds I take it to mean ‘I find your behaviour unattractive. Be more submissive, like a it, but somehow, now that several American female dominants are trying to ban the word, I naturally want to preserve it (even though David Hockney campaigned against the smoking ban and nanny state by wearing a badge that plaintively read: ‘End Bossiness Soon’).

But it will take a change of attitude to make it worth saving.

Julie Burchill once said: ‘A good part, and definitely the most fun part, of being a feminist is about frightening men.’

Malala Yousafza, the schoolgirl activist for education, says the reason the Taliban shot her was because they were frightened of little girls reading books and wielding pens, girls who could learn and think and act like boys. So the change of attitude will be this: instead of feeling hurt and crushed when a man calls you pushy, loud, stubborn, domineering, insistent, a ball-breaker and so on, feel compassion instead. It’s a verbal signifier that he’s desperate to keep you down.

STRONG, confident, feminist men don’t ever need to do this. Only weak ones do when they feel threatened and have issues, as therapists would readily agree, around their own masculinity. Don’t take it as an insult. It’s a criticism, but remember that within all criticism, there’s an implied compliment. When you hear it, smile pityingly and take it as praise.

Then try to say, like Bey: ‘I’m not bossy. I’m the boss.’