Be My Baby

A new role is embraced in this amusing short story by Eirin Thompson

Shauna only needed one little prop to pull off this acting job . . .

DON’T you have anything for me?” Shauna asked Beverley, her agent, in a beseeching tone. “Not a crumb.”

Shauna gave a huge sigh. She knew that the acting profession was a precarious one, and hard to get into, but she’d been waitressing for three months since her last minor role in a hospital drama, when she’d had a solitary line.

For the week before that shoot, she’d fantasised about the director taking a shine to her performance as the temporary ward clerk and asking the writers to give her a recurring role.

She’d tried to perfect the air of calm professionalism a ward clerk would exhibit – cool, composed, unflappable.

She had removed her nail extensions and opted for neat and tidy hands, just in case of a close-up.

Calla, her flatmate, had risen early to weave Shauna’s hair into a tight little plaited halo that curled around her head.

“Doctor Nangle will see you now.”

She’d said it to Calla ten times at least – and to her mirror a whole lot more.

On the day, she was thrilled to be shown the way to “make-up”, and excited to find herself in the chair next to Philippa Cross, the neurosurgeon.

It didn’t do to come across as starstruck – leading actors got enough of that from the public and were entitled to expect professional distance from their colleagues.

“Action!”

“Well, is there any news?” This from a frazzled relative of an emergency patient.

Shauna had smiled her most reassuring smile.

“Doctor Mangle will see you now.”

“Cut! What was that?” “Sorry, what did I do?” “The surgeon’s name is Nangle! Have you ever watched this show?”

“I’m sorry, I –”

Shauna’s composure had deserted her completely.

Next time, she got the words right, but her body language and delivery were, in the director’s words, like a birthday cake left out in the rain.

Her performance was so bad that they nosed among the extras for someone who looked competent and gave the line to him.

No wonder Beverley seemed distinctly lukewarm about putting her forward for things.

“Zoe gets auditions all the time,” Shauna pointed out a little sulkily.

“Zoe speaks French and Spanish, can ride a horse and doesn’t faint in a corset.”

“I can do an array of authentic Welsh accents and I can roller-skate!” Shauna persisted.

She had a Cardiff granny and a Swansea granny and lots of cousins scattered about the place, and had absorbed all their voices from infancy.

She was a mean rollerskater, too.

Beverley appeared to think for a minute, then shook her head.

“You were considering something there!” Shauna cried. “What was it? I’ll do anything.”

“This one’s a bit different – they want a mother and baby, and they want them today.

“They’ve tried hiring an actress to play the mother and pairing her up with someone else’s baby, but the babies keep freaking out because they don’t know the actress. They’ve lost a lot of shooting time.”

“Send me for it,” Shauna snapped.

“But you don’t have a baby –”

“I do. I do have a baby.” “What?”

“I never told you, because I thought you’d give up on trying to get me work.”

“But when?”

“Remember that poncho I wore for months? I was covering up my bump.”

“Well, this is quite a surprise! Where’s the baby now?”

“With my sister.” It was the first truthful thing she’d said.

“And what age is she?” “Eleven months.”

Beverley looked at the folder in front of her.

“Eleven months works. Well, in lieu of any better candidates, you might as well give it a whirl.

“Take this note with you, collect your baby and get over there quickly.”

“Thanks, Beverley. You won’t regret this.”

Shauna rattled down the staircase and into the sun.

****

There had been no baby. Shauna had depended on the fact that Beverley scarcely looked at her when Shauna showed up at her office.

Her big sister, Kathryn, had brought forth Lila 11 months earlier, though.

“So, you see, it would be

a bonding experience for Lila and me,” Shauna tried to tell Kathryn.

“No.”

“I’d take good care of her. You can pack everything she needs for a day on set. I won’t let her out of my sight.”

“No!”

“Why not, Kathryn? I’ve babysat her before.”

“That was in her own home. And Johnny was here.”

“He was asleep after his shift – I provided all the care.”

“You wrapped her in a towel when the nappies in the changing bag ran out.”

“I didn’t want to go poking about in your things to look for more!”

“But I’d told you where to find them: you didn’t listen. You never listen, Shauna.”

For a minute it seemed that that was that. No baby for Shauna meant no audition.

Then a wonderful thing happened. Kathryn, who’d been eating ginger biscuits, put her hand to her mouth and yelped.

She looked distraught and spat something gently into her hand.

“Oh, no!” she wailed. “My crownth come out, and it’th that big one right at the front. I have to phone the dentitht.”

“Sure, you go,” Shauna urged her, holding out her arms for Lila.

The dentist could make a repair, but only if Kathryn could come straight away and be prepared to wait.

“You win,” Kathryn told Shauna. “Lila’th going to be all yourth for the day.

“But promith me you won’t leave her on the buth, and don’t loothe Teddy or her blue blanket.

“And don’t forget to feed her and give her her milk. And take plenty of nappieth and the full box of wipeth.

“And jutht, well, take good care of her.”

Shauna could do that.

****

“And you are?”

“Shauna. And I’m auditioning for the role of a mum in the supermarket.”

“No, I meant who is this with you? Your baby?”

“Oh! This is . . .” She didn’t want to say Lila – it wasn’t a very showbiz name. “This is Anastasia!”

“Right. I’m the director, Ed. All you have to do is walk round the aisles, pushing Anastasia in the trolley, taking interest in what’s on the shelves.

“Can you manage that?” She nodded.

It was at this point that Shauna would usually try to calm herself with breathing exercises, but Lila decided it was time to introduce herself and began shouting. “Yi-ya! Yi-ya!”

Shauna, having only just given her the more glamorous identity of “Anastasia”, immediately feared that everyone on set would easily translate “Yi-ya” to “Lila” and see through her deception.

She must find a way to explain the outburst.

“We just love Tom Jones, don’t we, Anastasia?” “Yi-ya! Yi-ya!”

“My, my, my, Delilah!” Shauna sang enthusiastically.

As the filming started, Shauna and Lila found themselves among the bakery goods.

Lila pointed at the baguettes, all standing to attention in their display unit.

Shauna remembered shopping with Kathryn once, when she’d grabbed a loaf for her trolley, snapping off the top and handing it to her daughter to eat on the way round.

It had worked a treat, keeping Lila content, so Shauna did the same.

“Mmm,” Shauna said to the baby.

“Mmm,” her niece replied. As they turned the corner, they came to the baby products. That was lucky – Shauna could throw items in the trolley and look like an authentic mother.

In went a large bale of disposable nappies and an assortment of sachets of ready meals – beef, chicken, turkey and shrimp.

Lila dropped her chunk of baguette, then looked at it lying on the floor.

Shauna immediately worried that she would start to cry, like the other babies who’d auditioned.

It was imperative to stop that happening.

“Look!” she ordered her niece. “Look at me!”

The second Lila’s eyes were on her face, Shauna blew a huge raspberry.

Lila gave a chuckle. “Again?” Shauna asked, and blew another.

This time, Lila blew one back.

Then Shauna started chatting to Lila in a very animated voice, consulting her on which items they should add to the trolley.

In fact, she was soon enjoying her interaction with her niece so much that she almost forgot their real reason for being there.

When Ed called, “And cut!” it took Shauna by surprise.

He strode across the set to meet her. To her delight, he was grinning.

“That was great. I’m not going to ask you to do it again, because I don’t think we could improve on it.

“Now that we’ve nailed that one, I can offer you the role.

“It’ll mean half a dozen more scenes – with other adult actors this time. Anastasia only has that one appearance.

“You’re the first actor who’s brought real empathy to the part.”

How exactly she had shown empathy pushing a trolley round a supermarket, Shauna had no idea.

“You must have really read into the character’s back story,” Ed continued.

Back story? Shauna was puzzled. Beverley hadn’t told her anything.

“I’m a single parent, like you,” Ed added. “I remember what it’s like to do a simple thing like fill a trolley when you’ve had about three hours’ sleep in the past three nights.”

What could Shauna do but nod along?

“There were some nice touches, like when you gave Anastasia that crunchy bread to chew on – that’s a great tip for parents – and then, in the next aisle . . . well, you were super.

“Putting the wrong nappies in the trolley because your brain was fogged with exhaustion.”

The wrong nappies? She stared down at the packet.

“Boys’ nappies, when your baby is a girl,” Ed said helpfully.

Oh, no! What a stupid mistake! Kathryn was right – Shauna wasn’t to be trusted.

“And then the thing with the food.”

What was wrong with the food Shauna had picked up?

“Yes,” was all Shauna could think to say.

What was wrong with the food she’d picked up?

“That spoke of a mother on the brink, yet all the time you demonstrated what a loving parent you are. You are the parent, Shauna, aren’t you?”

There was a twinkle in Ed’s eye – Shauna was sure of it. She was rumbled, but not necessarily in trouble.

“How did you guess?” she asked, looking at her feet.

“The nappies did set me wondering,” Ed replied.

“But when you failed to notice that the baby aisle had become the pets aisle, and chose a box of cat food sachets, I thought perhaps you didn’t come with the experience you claimed.” “Am I sacked?”

“No! It’s taken us days to film this scene, and it’s thanks to you that we can go home on time tonight.

“We will need a letter of consent from the baby’s real parent, though.”

“So you’ll have me back?” “Be here at ten o’clock tomorrow morning. You’re on board.”

As they went home on the bus, with Teddy and the blue blanket packed and Lila’s tummy full of milk, Shauna sang the words of the Tom Jones song.

And Lila shouted, “Yi-ya!” with delight at the end of every line.

The End.