NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Liz Truss hits back at critics who likened her disastrous premiership to the Titanic’s voyage. Although as she was mocked by a lettuce, it is true that both were ended prematurely by an iceberg.

Energy companies warn households they could be out of power for a few hours this winter… and the Tory Party that they could be out of power for a whole decade.

Boris Johnson’s supporters say bringing him back to power could save a fortune on the country’s battered finances… since Carrie won’t have to redecorate No 10 this time.

TUESDAY

As he takes over at the Home Office, Grant Shapps says he will do the work of four people – though they are all him with a different name.

And fellow Tories tell him he must do something drastic about migration. Mainly the migration of votes to Labour.

WEDNESDAY

Volkswagen bosses who dealt with climate protesters glueing themselves to their showroom floor by turning off the heating and lights say: ‘Isn’t that what you wanted?’

THURSDAY

Collectors receive the first commemorative 50p coins minted to celebrate the BBC. In recognition of the broadcaster’s output, it’s the first time a coin has ever been one-sided.

Music fans registering for Glastonbury tickets at £340 a time say they are ridiculously high. And so are the ticket prices.

FRIDAY

Thrilling new pictures from the Webb Space Telescope show where stars go to die: Celebs Go Dating.

The Amazon customer who received a packet of biscuits after ordering an iPad says he now wished he hadn’t pressed the ‘Accept cookies’ button.