THE NEW NO-SEX ROUTINE

‘Naked cuddles & surprise kisses are enough!’

Sex with your partner been on the back burner? While it may feel taboo to talk about, you’re not alone. In fact, 12%* of Brits haven’t had an intimate sexual experience, including anything from a kiss to sex, for more than three years. ‘Many marriages will go through “dry spell” patches of less intimacy,’ says Megwyn White, director of education at Satisfyer. ‘It doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is “bad”, but it does mean that you’ll need to find ways to address the underlying needs that are not being met.’

But there is good news. Once you figure out what’s causing your sex drought, there are a number of steps you can take to make the physical part of your relationship healthy again. Here’s everything you need to know…

WHEN A DRY SPELL BECOMES A PROBLEM

Definitions of a sexless marriage can vary, but Megwyn describes it as one with sex less than 10 times a year. ‘About 20% of marriages would fall into this category,’ she says. But it’s not cut and dried. You need to consider how much sex you have had in the past together, and whether that has changed. Some couples will have sex every day, while others may be more comfortable with having sex only once a month.

And sex doesn’t just have to be about penetration. ‘It includes general physical affection,’ says expert Stephanie Taylor from Uberkinky. ‘Surprise kisses, naked cuddles, bum squeezes – if you and your partner are still flirty and physical, but sex isn’t as much of a focus, then it’s not a worry. However, if you’re becoming uncomfortable with physical affection or being naked around each other, then it’s time to address it.’

WHAT’S CAUSING YOUR SEX SLUMP?

There are many factors that can lead to a sexless marriage. ‘Desire discrepancy is totally normal, with most couples experiencing a dramatic drop after only two years,’ explains Megwyn. The Lelo Sex Census found the top reasons that Brits stop having sex include:

1 Tiredness

2 Mental health

3 Negative body image

4 Low libido

5 Ageing

6 Work pressures

DON’T DELAY IN SEEKING HELP

Often, sex problems can be resolved relatively quickly by addressing the root cause (for example, work stress easing). But to prevent things from going beyond repair, it’s important to act fast. ‘If a couple goes for a very long time without having sex it can be very difficult to rekindle their sex life,’ says Megwyn. ‘This is why maintenance sex (making a conscious decision to have sex) every now and then can be so beneficial.’

TALKING IS KEY

Discussing your sex life is the first step, but it can be tricky. ‘Conversations about a lack of sex can be really difficult, and often fraught with emotion,’ says Stephanie. ‘So they often end without resolve, or don’t happen at all, which can lead to an ongoing issue.’ Preparing yourself by thinking about how you’re feeling and writing it down first can help. Megwyn also recommends:

✢ Be direct and honest, but sensitive to their emotions.

✢ Don’t blame anyone.

✢ Never assume the problem is that they’re not interested in having sex with you. This common mistake often leads to one partner making the other ‘the problem’.

✢ Listen to each other and engage in possible solutions.

✢ Use past experiences to invite happy memories about your sex life.

✢ Have eye contact and don’t cross your arms. If you can, touch your partner as they speak. This can help to relax the body and mind, and support empathy between you.

GETTING BACK ON TRACK

If you both feel positive about getting your sex life back, there are a few things you can try…

✢ GO SLOW. Start with snuggling up together on the sofa, holding hands while you’re out walking, or staying in bed for five minutes of kisses and cuddles in the morning.

✢ DISCUSS IF ONE OF YOU SHOULD TAKE THE LEAD. ‘Some people experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire, which means that they need someone else to initiate physical affection before they feel arousal,’ says Stephanie. ‘If this is the case, you may just need to be comfortable with one of you being the person who always initiates things.’

✢ TRY SOMETHING NEW. You could look at new ways to seduce each other, such as playing out sexual fantasies or paying particular attention to an erogenous zone, such as the wrists, which could help tempt and tease.

✢ CONSIDER SEX THERAPY. ‘Just like all therapy, it will have a positive impact if you’re both willing to talk, listen and take action,’ says Stephanie.