The friends every woman needs
Finding the perfect friendship group
Friends are the business – they scoop us up when we’re down and cheer us on throughout life. When I arrived in London at the age of 20 to start a new job, I fell in with a bunch of young women. We are all in our 50s now, a small group, each of us very different, which is perhaps how it should be. As life coach Carole Ann Rice puts it, ‘It’s unrealistic to expect one friend to be everything to you. Everyone offers something unique, and I look upon my own friendships as a sort of composite quilt.’ So, who’s in your inner circle?
The ones who make you happier THE CONFIDANTE
No secret escapes from her lips – not even after several glasses of wine. She knows who has a crush on someone else’s husband and who bust a zip in the department store changing room. She is a firmly locked filing cabinet of intrigue – and you love her for it. Any secret is safe with her.
THE ORGANISER
Like a Scout leader for grown-ups, she takes on the entire planning and booking of any group event. As it grows closer, she adjusts the itinerary 96 times as participants change their minds. Feeling guilty, you might offer to ‘help’ but bear in mind that she loves organising everyone and the occasional moan is
part of the pleasure. Just remember to thank her now and again.
THE INSPIRATION
She achieves so much in her life that you could be left feeling hopeless in comparison. But she’s so gracious about her successes that she inspires you to push yourself, too. So she’s just done a triathlon? It doesn’t mean you feel obliged to follow suit, but she’s sown the seed and a jog around the park now feels distinctly doable…
THE PARTY GIRL
When you’ve spotted that the fridge shelves have collapsed under the weight of Prosecco, and everyone else appears to have ignored it, she’s the one who’ll blast away the sad face. Next thing you know, you’re drinking and dancing, all woes forgotten – and crying with laughter that you left the fridge shambles for someone else to clear up.
THE FIXER
Whatever you need, she can sort it. Hosting a dinner party and realise you have a vegan coming? Panic not. She’ll talk you through a recipe that you can knock up in 10 minutes flat. She has been known to source emergency plumbers, pet-sitters – even potential boyfriends, at a push. Basically, she’s like your cool-headed flight attendant throughout the journey of life.
THE THRILL SEEKER
She’s your ‘let’s just do it’ friend – the one who says, ‘Fancy a hot-air balloon trip?’ or ‘Why don’t we try surfing?’ She pushes you to experience things that you’d never even have thought of. In photos with this friend, you’re likely to be clad in a wetsuit with an expression somewhere between terror and joy.
THE FOREVER FRIEND
If only all marriages were as fulfilling as this. Your soulmate and sister, she has been at your side through your best and worst times; she has celebrated your successes and mopped up your tears. You might have had the odd hiccup along the way, but who cares when you love each other this deeply? This beloved buddy knows you as well as you know yourself.
And the ones to step away from THE MAN-EATER
You can’t go out to dinner without her making a play for the waiter. When the gang gets together, she hones in like a hornet on the man in the group. You veer between feeling sorry for her (why does she crave male attention so badly?) and deciding that, actually, you’d rather hang out with friends who love women as much as
– if not more than – they love men.
THE CRITIC
‘Oh, you’ve gone for a different hairstyle,’ she says, giving you an alarmed stare. Or ‘I suppose, if that’s the way you like to be with your kids, then that’s perfectly fine!’ Meaning: ‘But I don’t think it’s fine, as I sit here observing you from the moral high ground.’ A critical ‘friend’ is rarely direct with her comments; we’re talking sly put-downs and confidence-sapping asides. For the sake of your sanity, step away.
THE USER
She’s the kind of friend you make excuses for: ‘Oh, she’s only asked me to look after her children/ dog/pick up a birthday present for her mother-in-law because she’s a bit all over the place.’ But she’s forever asking favours, borrowing your stuff and making endless demands on your energy and time. Do you really want to be treated as a free and ever-available resource?
THE DRAINER
An evening with this friend is the opposite of a bundle of laughs. She’s not out for fun or to catch up, but to offload her problems and grind you into the ground with her moaning. And, guess what? She hasn’t once asked, ‘So, how are you?’
THE EMBARRASSING ONE
You find yourself adopting the brace position when you’re about to meet up. She starts off fine, but, fuelled by too much booze, she’s bellowing inappropriate remarks and saying, ‘I love you!’ while trying to hug you repeatedly. Your tolerance is about to run out. Shame the Prosecco didn’t.
THE JEALOUS ONE
She never admits that she wants what you have. Instead, she drip-feeds remarks designed to undermine all that you’ve achieved. She leaves you feeling upset without quite knowing why. True friends are your cheerleaders – she doesn’t deserve a place in your heart.
THE BAD INFLUENCE
This wild card wants a partner in crime. She has a knack for creating drama wherever she goes. When she says, ‘Don’t be boring!’ what she means is, ‘I want you to behave like me to validate my choices.’ Reserve the right to say no.
‘Friendships develop at different times in our lives,’ says Carole Ann (realcoachingco.com). ‘You might have formed a bond at work or at the school gates, but you might simply grow in a different direction over time.’ While it can feel sad when a friendship fades, Carole Ann says, ‘Not all of your relationships are going to hold up for life. And the ones that do are very special. They’re the ones where you are truly compatible, where you can absolutely be yourself.’