FACING A CHALLENGE?
You love volunteering at the animal shelter, but when you’re asked to lead a fundraiser, you tell yourself, I’m not up to this. “The first step is to just start paying attention to what you’re saying,” urges Helmstetter. “Once you’re aware of it, you can begin to change negatives into positives.”
To flip a defeatist script, tap into “growth talk.” If you were simply to say the direct opposite of what you’re repeating—turning “I can’t” into “I can”—your brain would think you’re lying because it’s been trained to believe otherwise. That’s why it’s important to layer self-talk. Tell yourself: “I’m good at taking on challenges; I ask for help when I need it; I learn from my mistakes.” Says Helmstetter, “The deeper your talk goes, the more neural pathways you access, so your brain starts to believe what you’re saying.” In fact, reminding yourself that you’re constantly learning is key because it triggers a growth mindset—the conviction that obstacles are not roadblocks, but stepping stones on the way to success.
After overeating to soothe your stress, you beat yourself up:
“We tend to believe that inner criticism motivates us,” says psychotherapist Karen Koenig, author of Words to Eat By. “But it always backfires.”
Silence guilt by asking yourself what you “Shamebased words like ‘must,’ and ‘should,’ put pressure on us,” says Koenig. “We then rebel against this stress, leading us to do the very thing we’re trying not to.” Instead, use words that speak to why you yearn to do something, like “want” and “prefer.” “Tell yourself, ‘I want to stay in touch with my body when I’m eating’ or ‘I choose to feel peace with food.’” When we overeat, it’s because we don’t feel entitled to desire other things, so ask yourself what you’re craving beyond food, like relaxing or taking a walk. “Willpower doesn’t exist, so use word power, compassionate language that talks you into living the life you want.”
When a co-worker talks over you, your self-esteem sinks and you wonder if anyone sees you what you have to offer. Alison Cook, Ph.D., author of Boundaries for Your Soul, explains, “This self-talk only perpetuates feelings of invisibility, causing us to stop trying to be seen or heard.”
Boost your sense of self by connecting with the language of your soul. Just repeat: “I’m exactly as I’m meant to be, and no one can take my place.” Says Cook, “That last part is perhaps most important. It really resonates with women because we just know it’s true: No one can take your place.” After you’ve found this kernel of truth that you can’t deny, build on it. “For example, you might say, ‘It’s hard for me to make my voice heard, but I’m going to commit to learning how to use it, regardless of how others respond.’” Whether you decide to speak up at least once during your next Zoom call or simply text a friend to talk about your day, resolving to use your voice will get others’ attention— and help you listen to yourself.