Make mine a crappuccino!
IT was a sad end to BBC1 drama Prisoners’ Wives.
Francesca’s dad gave her a lecture about the evils of the drug trade. He preferred Sheffield in the good old days when folk worked in honest and decent industries – like making warheads for Saddam Hussein.
Gemma (Emma Rigby, above) gave birth in a shopping centre toilet – which must be the only place smaller, dirtier and more depressing than an actual prison cell.
And poor Sean was only out for two days before girlfriend Louisa was sentenced to six months.
He had fish pie for his welcome home tea. Louisa will be offered something similar by her cellmate after lockdown. MEDICAL show Embarrassing Bodies returned to Channel 4 with graphic footage of a grotesque fanny.
There was no concern for kids or people trying to eat. Nope, they just cut straight to a close-up shot of a twitching, gaping c***.
But enough about Dr Christian Jessen, the GP (Godawful Poseur) who fronts the show with fellow fame whores Dr Dawn Harpie (sorry, Harper) and Dr Pikey (whoops, I mean Pixie) Mckenna.
As always in a ratings war, it was all about the privates on parade.
There really was a graphic shot of a woman’s bits, for example, which was suffering a prolapsed uterus. Now that is what you call a womb with a view.
There was also a penis irritated by scabies.
That is a parasitic creature which is very hard to shift once it gets its claws into a knob. Sounds like a WAG.
But the weirdest case was the woman who could not poo without first squirting two litres of COFFEE up her bum.
Carol, 44, had been giving herself daily coffee enemas for seven years.
“I started out using real coffee and bottled mineral water,” she explained, “but that was quite expensive so now I just use instant coffee and tap water.”
So that would be an of the people”, then.
Dr Pikey’s advice was – wait for it! – stop squirting coffee up your arse. It is dangerous, unhygienic and makes dunking a biscuit nigh-on impossible.
“enema
Aroma
On the plus side, the sputtering sound it makes on exit, coupled with the aroma of fresh coffee, means Carol’s neighbours probably think she has one of those posh percolators.
Who knows, maybe the coffee firms will start advertising this use. I’d love to see the Gold Blend couple giving it a go – especially if they forgot to let the boiling water cool down.