Make mine a crap­puc­cino!

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IT was a sad end to BBC1 drama Pris­on­ers’ Wives.

Francesca’s dad gave her a lec­ture about the evils of the drug trade. He pre­ferred Sh­effield in the good old days when folk worked in hon­est and de­cent in­dus­tries – like mak­ing war­heads for Sad­dam Hus­sein.

Gemma (Emma Rigby, above) gave birth in a shop­ping cen­tre toi­let – which must be the only place smaller, dirt­ier and more de­press­ing than an ac­tual prison cell.

And poor Sean was only out for two days be­fore girl­friend Louisa was sen­tenced to six months.

He had fish pie for his wel­come home tea. Louisa will be of­fered some­thing sim­i­lar by her cell­mate af­ter lock­down. MED­I­CAL show Em­bar­rass­ing Bod­ies re­turned to Chan­nel 4 with graphic footage of a grotesque fanny.

There was no con­cern for kids or peo­ple try­ing to eat. Nope, they just cut straight to a close-up shot of a twitch­ing, gap­ing c***.

But enough about Dr Chris­tian Jessen, the GP (Go­daw­ful Poseur) who fronts the show with fel­low fame whores Dr Dawn Harpie (sorry, Harper) and Dr Pikey (whoops, I mean Pixie) Mckenna.

As al­ways in a rat­ings war, it was all about the pri­vates on pa­rade.

There re­ally was a graphic shot of a woman’s bits, for ex­am­ple, which was suf­fer­ing a pro­lapsed uterus. Now that is what you call a womb with a view.

There was also a pe­nis ir­ri­tated by sca­bies.

That is a par­a­sitic crea­ture which is very hard to shift once it gets its claws into a knob. Sounds like a WAG.

But the weird­est case was the woman who could not poo with­out first squirt­ing two litres of COF­FEE up her bum.

Carol, 44, had been giv­ing her­self daily cof­fee en­e­mas for seven years.

“I started out us­ing real cof­fee and bot­tled min­eral water,” she ex­plained, “but that was quite ex­pen­sive so now I just use in­stant cof­fee and tap water.”

So that would be an of the peo­ple”, then.

Dr Pikey’s ad­vice was – wait for it! – stop squirt­ing cof­fee up your arse. It is dan­ger­ous, un­hy­gienic and makes dunk­ing a bis­cuit nigh-on im­pos­si­ble.

“en­ema

Aroma

On the plus side, the sput­ter­ing sound it makes on exit, cou­pled with the aroma of fresh cof­fee, means Carol’s neigh­bours prob­a­bly think she has one of those posh per­co­la­tors.

Who knows, maybe the cof­fee firms will start ad­ver­tis­ing this use. I’d love to see the Gold Blend cou­ple giv­ing it a go – es­pe­cially if they for­got to let the boil­ing water cool down.

made a BBC2 com­edy

Also known as: Wat­son The Other Chan­nel?

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