I only score in bed when he wins on pitch

No ifs or butts, I want a big­ger bot­tom!

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Dear Han­nah, I’VE no­ticed in the past that you have a very nice bot­tom – a beauty, in fact.

It’s what I think they call ‘peachy’, curvy and pert; I imag­ine there can’t be that many men who wouldn’t want to get their hands on it, along with all your other stun­ning as­sets.

You’re a very lucky girl and good luck to you, I say, but I wish I had a bum like yours.

I’m a 25-year-old lass who works in a cloth­ing shop and t hough I’ve got a fair-sized pair of boobs, my butt is as flat as a board.

Grip­ping

I’ve tried ev­ery­thing to get it to be a bit more curvy. I’ve worked out at a gym for hours at a time, but if any­thing that seems to have made mat­ters a bit worse – all toned mus­cle but no sub­stance to hide a thong in.

I’ve also tried eat­ing lots of carbs, but the flesh fills out on my tummy and boobs, not where I want it.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t had any com­plaints from my boyfriends and none have said they wish I had a big­ger bum while they’re grip­ping it in the throes of sex.

In fact, my ton­ing means I have quite a lot of mus­cle there and I can grip and squeeze my lovers in ways that seem to please them a lot, es­pe­cially when we’re do­ing that re­ally naughty act that all men seem to want to get their girl­friends to do, and I en­joy – it gives me mas­sive or­gasms!

But I still have self es­teem is­sues about my bot­tom and want to do some­thing about it.

I’ve been look­ing at the cost of hav­ing im­plants. What’s your view on the mat­ter?

Dear Han­nah, WHAT is it about men and foot­ball that means a good re­sult on the pitch leads to a re­sult in bed for their women?

My fella is a clas­sic ex­am­ple or the type I’m talk­ing about. Him and a crowd of oth­ers at his work play in a five-a-side league on Thurs­day nights.

He rushes home, changes into his kit, then flies off with barely a word to me.

I know by the time he ar­rives back whether his lot have won or lost; if he’s early, they’ve been beaten, and he’ll be surly and won’t want to talk – and I won’t be get­ting any, that’s for sure.

But if he rolls in about 10.30pm it means he’s been for an af­ter-match beer to cel­e­brate vic­tory.

He’ll be in a good mood and his hands will be all over me, even if I’m try­ing to watch the telly.

But he’ll nib­ble my ears and slide his hands into my knick­ers and I can’t re­sist. Within min­utes of him com­ing home, all musky smelling, we’ll be naked on the sofa and he’ll be hump­ing me fu­ri­ously, turn­ing me all ends up, and burn­ing up more en­ergy than I’d have thought pos­si­ble from a man who’s worked all day and run around a pitch for an hour.

I love it when he’s like that, and I’ll of­ten treat him by us­ing my mouth to fin­ish him off.

But he doesn’t seem to un­der­stand that my needs are more reg­u­lar than his, and I of­ten want sex when his side are on a los­ing streak and he’s not up for it.

Time for a sit-down and a heartto-heart, do you think, or maybe should I just ditch the silly ob­ses­sive?

Han­nah says:

Dear Han­nah, I’LL be per­fectly blunt, I’ve got a willy that has a pro­nounced curve to it – a ba­nana-cock, if you like. It doesn’t bother me too much, and luck­ily it bends up­wards, which the girl­friend doesn’t seem to mind be­cause she says it hits her G-spot ev­ery time.

All well and good, you might think, noth­ing to worry about.

Well, there is now. We’ve been in­vited to a swingers party and I’m wor­ried I’ll stand out like a...let’s face it, a bloke with a bent one.

The girl­friend’s all keen for us to go – she’s the one who ar­ranged it, ac­tu­ally – and says I’m silly to worry.

But I’m think­ing I might just give it a miss and save my­self some trauma. Trou­ble is, if the girl­friend goes on her own I’ll be jealous. Toughie, eh?

Han­nah says:

THANKS for the praise, but YOU seem per­fect.

IT sounds just far out, man!

TELL him he’ll lose out when he wins.

JUST go, the women will love it!

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