It’s every parent’s DUTY to spare our children the most painful rite of passage of all
We all dread the heartache of sorting through Mum or Dad’s belongings after they’ve gone. But an author who’s been through it has a VERY radical idea . . .
YoU have no doubt collected some wonderful possessions during the course of your life. A beautiful antique chair, a much loved tufty teddy with glass eyes, a mug given to you by a bright-eyed grandchild.
But have you ever thought about what will happen to it all when you are gone?
After my husband died in 2005, it felt so lonely going through all the things that documented our 50 years together, it struck me we should have done the job together, starting at 65, maybe even earlier, when we were stronger.
Everyone thinks they will live for ever. But the reality, whether you like it or not, is you won’t.
which means that all those things you treasure, which you surround yourself with, will one day become an emotionally painful, not to mention time-consuming, legacy for your children and grandchildren when they are left to sort out all of your belongings.
That’s why I now passionately believe that we all have a responsibility to do what I call our ‘death cleaning’ — while we still can.
Harsh as it sounds, it’s time to sort through those possessions, set aside the treasures, cast away the rubbish. In short, downsize and de-clutter with a mind to what we leave behind.
By doing so we spare our loved ones the emotional heartache of having to wade through a lifetime of paperwork and possessions.
no matter how much they love you, don’t leave this burden to them.
Imagine your son or daughter having to take time out of their busy lives to take care of what you didn’t bother to deal with or never got round to sorting. It will be hard enough for them to deal with their grief. This adds a whole other layer on top and it can be so easily avoided.
I know a lot of old people with attics and basements full of stuff they don’t use or even remember.
Most of us have enough jackets for a Siberian winter, more shoes than a centipede could wear. I know a woman who had 12 cheese graters. In your bathroom, you might have ten years worth of half-used eyeshadows, a medicine cabinet bursting with trendy vitamin supplements that no one takes any more.
GrowIng up, we just didn’t have as much stuff. we wore clothing until it was threadbare, at which point we replaced that item and used it until it, in turn, was threadbare and needed replacing.
But people today, in developed countries, have much more than they need — and that becomes a problem at the end.
I believe it’s been called The Boomer Burden by some — as a generation, we’re wealthier than those before and have tended to have led materialistic lives full of clutter.
Perhaps we’ve inherited a sense of hoarding from wartime parents. Either way, it’s a lifestyle that will leave those who come after us with a lot of hassle.
However, many adult children do not want to talk about death with their parents, let alone suggest a good clear out. It seem pre-emptive, tactless, when in fact it’s entirely practical.
Adult children should not be afraid to raise this. we must all talk about the inevitable. If the subject is too difficult to address, then a good clear-out can be a way to start the conversation in a less blunt fashion.
I have three sons and two daughters and the other day I told one of my sons that I was going through my things.
He asked whether it made me sad, but I said no, it was a chance for me to reminisce, sifting through old clothes and photos. I am accepting the inevitable and in doing so I will make life easier for my offspring.
The difference between death cleaning and just a big clean up is the amount of time involved. This is not about dusting or mopping up, it is about a permanent form of organisation that makes your everyday life run more smoothly.
I do appreciate that going through all your old belongings, remembering when you used them last and saying goodbye to some of them is very difficult for many of us.
People tend to hoard rather than throw away. But having been faced with the task so many times — first for my mother, then my father, then my mother-in-law, then my late husband — I’ll be damned if my children have to clear up after me.
I don’t want to leave them with all that upset. There are many sad stories about siblings who quarrel because they want the same item after a parent has gone.
This type of situation does not need to happen; we can plan in advance to lessen the chances of these unhappy moments.
I had, for example, a lovely bracelet that my father gave to my mother a long time ago. It was given to me in my mother’s will.
The easiest way to avoid future complications among my children was to sell it! when I told them, they were fine with my decision, but it was mine to do with as I pleased anyhow.
Another thing people seem to forget is secrets. You may have saved letters, documents or diaries that contain information or family stories you would never wish to embarrass your descendants with — make a bonfire or invest in a shredder. Don’t put it off until another day.
The more you focus on sorting through your things while you can, the braver you will become — and your children will be so grateful when you’ve gone.
I often ask myself: will anyone I know be happier if I save this? If the answer is no, then off it goes . . . But before it does, I take a moment to reflect on the event or feeling attached to that thing, good or bad — appreciating that it has been a part of my story and of my life.
But that doesn’t mean I need to leave it behind for anyone else.
MY TIPS FOR YOUR LAST CLEAR-OUT
Think big. If you start getting rid of big things such as furniture first, you’ll feel like you are making progress right from the start. If you begin with old letters, you will get stuck reading them, maybe over and over again, and
you won’t feel like you are getting anywhere. So start big!
Tell people around you what you are doing. That way they won’t be surprised if you call and ask if they want a vase, tablecloth, or painting that you are trying to get rid of. They might even volunteer to help you.
Draw up lists of categories — furniture, clothes, books, linen, toys etc. Focus on one category at a time. With clothes, for example, I create two piles — those I want to keep and those I want to throw or give away.
Everything in your home should have its place: hooks for keys, baskets for gloves etc. I know families who live in a complete mess (I won’t mention the names of my children!). Mess is an unnecessary source of irritation — giving items places is so de-stressing.
Label a shoe box ‘throw away when I’m gone’ and keep inside it all the things you would like to save for yourself alone. Things that make you remember events that you may otherwise forget — old love letters, programmes, memories from travelling — but that can be destroyed when you’re gone. ADAPTED from The Gentle Art of Swedish Death cleaning by Margareta Magnusson, published by canongate Books at £12.99. To order a copy for £10.39 (offer valid to February 2, 2018), visit www.mailshop.co. uk/books or call 0844 571 0640. P&P is free on orders over £15.
Mother who did her big tidy-up at 55 JODY LAWRANCE, 57, is a yoga teacher from East Grinstead, West Sussex. She has two daughters, Sam, 39, and Lianne, 37, and a son Jamie, 34. She says:
Wandering through my mother Sheila’s house shortly after her funeral I remember feeling overwhelmed by the daunting task ahead. This wasn’t my childhood home, but in every room, there were so many memories embedded in the furniture, paintings, and even some of the mugs and plates she used that I felt as though I was almost being suffocated by memories.
How on earth was I going to be able to decide what we should keep or give away when confronted with a lifetime’s worth of her treasured possessions?
The old piano stool that my father had made brought back particularly happy memories. It was a large old stool with a heavy wooden lid, which opened up so you could store music inside. Mum had been a talented piano teacher and had played right up to only weeks before her death.
When I was younger, one of my favourite things was to sit next to her and try to play duets like the Queen Of Sheba.
as I looked at the stool and the sheets of music and the books of watercolours that Mum, also a keen artist, had painted in her later years it struck me how desperately sad it was that we — her family — were having to sort through all her things at the saddest of times. a time when, really, we should have been able to mourn her peacefully and as a family celebrate her life.
among all her treasured items were the more mundane things — the minutiae of life that all needed to be sorted and cleared out — her cutlery, her plates, her ornaments, her clothes.
She wasn’t a hoarder, but it still took me, my two sisters and two brothers a couple of days to clear her two-bedroom cottage. at a time when I was missing my mum, it was very upsetting.
WE WERE very close and we shared a lot, so there were no unexpected shocks or surprises. Mum, who was 68 and had leukaemia, knew she was dying so I’m pretty sure if she’d had any old diaries or love letters or things that she didn’t want me to see, she’d have got rid of them in the weeks leading up to her death.
But it made me think about how difficult it must be when families uncover secrets or find things out about their parents or grandparents after they’ve died which they never knew. as for all her things, as a family, we simply didn’t have the room to keep everything she’d left behind. We sent clothes and furniture to the charity shop. I took the beloved piano stool, a few sheets of music and some books of her paintings. I also kept the gold and orange shawl that she’d worn in bed during her last days and weeks — a little piece of my mum which I still find comforting. My children, meanwhile, chose an item of jewellery each, while one of my sisters took the piano and my siblings kept vases and trinkets which were special to them. But the experience stuck with me and two years ago, when I downsized from my three-bedroom house to a two-bedroom flat, it was the perfect opportunity to clear out all of my own clutter so that my children didn’t have to. Having experienced the pain of sorting through Mum’s things, I just didn’t want to put them through the same ordeal. It’s not just the emotions and the memories you have to deal with, but the practicalities of boxing and bagging up items for charity. It can take days, weeks even. although I’m in excellent health now, I know that one day I won’t be and I’d rather be practical and look ahead, rather than live in denial up to my eyes in stuff. Otherwise, my children will face the angst of having to decide whether they should keep this vase or that book. It was actually cathartic to let go of all the ‘stuff’ in my life. I looked at trinkets and items I’d inherited that were stuck away in cupboards and thought: ‘If I don’t even use them or look at them, my family aren’t going to either’. So they all went to charity shops. I was pretty ruthless. My philosophy was that if I hadn’t looked at it for years, I was unlikely ever to look at it again. It felt cleansing and I’ve noticed I’m a lot calmer since I got rid of the clutter.
I did keep all my photographs and albums. But I gave my children all the school projects I’d kept over the years and they were delighted because they can now show them to their own children.
When it came to mum’s sheet music, I was torn. It had meant so much to me — and getting rid of it entirely felt like giving up a part of her. But what use was it to me now without a piano? So in the end, I gave it to my sister so it’s still in the family. I wasn’t quite strong enough to part with it completely.
I’ve often thought it would be a good idea to have a clearout like this. a few years ago I spent two months in India for some training in yoga and I lived out of a rucksack for all that time.
I remember thinking back then: ‘Why do I have so much junk in my house when I can live quite happily out of one bag?’ That was when the seed was sown to cleanse my life of ‘stuff’. I hope to be around for a long time, but when the day comes, it pleases me to think my children will not waste time poring over bits of old furniture in my garage.
LIANNE GENT, 37, also lives in East Grinstead with her partner Edward, 36, an off-road driving instructor. They have two sons, Ellis, 15, and Reuben, 13, and a daughter Chelsie, 20. She says:
WHEN Mum told me she was getting rid of so much stuff, I have to admit I was relieved. When I was younger, I thought I’d be attached sentimentally to all the things that belong to the people I love.
But when Nan died, I remember being invited round to her house to pick one or two items to remember her by and, without her there, just didn’t feel the same attachment. This wasn’t Nan, it was just ‘stuff ’.
and having seen how long it took Mum to sort out all of her things, I’m so grateful we won’t have to do the same when the time comes.
Mum had so many bits and bobs in the loft that she didn’t need — and I certainly wouldn’t want them in my house, like the old wicker magazine rack that belonged to one of my grandparents. It had been passed down but none of us liked it. Now, I’m saved the hassle of having to sell them on eBay.
There were even lots of broken things. as a family, if we ever broke a picture frame or an ornament, we’d put it in the loft and promise to ‘fix it later’, but it never got done. No one wants to inherit a broken picture frame! I was grateful she consulted us over some things. She gave us back our school projects and I’ve enjoyed showing them to my own children. The photograph albums will pass down to us as well.
But there’s little else we’ll have to sort through. In Mum’s new flat there’s so little clutter I’ve noticed she seems calmer in herself. Now she’s done this, I know I’ll also definitely do it for my children, too. It seems like a sensible thing do to.