Gorilla in the twist

Embarrassing one’s children is a parental perk, thinks Philip Howard, though resorting to Mi6-type tactics might be taking things too far

I Have always believed – a belief that has been frequently held up and cited by my children – that when it comes to embarrassing dads I am pretty much at the summit of the upper quartile. I suspect that young Barron Trump and Hafez al-assad might have a thing or two to say about that but I fear none of the above can come close to the enormity of the sins of the father perpetrated on poor Handsome Sam, one of my daughter’s friends from Glasgow University.

Between ourselves, Handsome Sam, from a very early age, has nurtured an ambition to become a spy. In the cot, he was deciphering the gurgling of his siblings. At school, he firstly devoured all of Anthony Horowitz’s Alex Rider novels ( about a teenage spy) before graduating on to Ian Fleming. By the time he had completed his A levels, he was already a veteran letter applicant to both MI5 and MI6.

So, imagine his excitement when, earlier this summer, he received a special communication. The envelope itself was plain but inside, bearing the watermarked lion and unicorn logo and the words “SIS military intelligence section 6 – semper occultus”, was a missive from 85 vauxhall Cross. His many letters had been noted. Indeed, not just noted, it continued, but the service had now for a number of years been keeping more than a passing interest in our fledgling Jimmy Bond.

They had noted his GCSE grades, his sporting prowess – they even seemed to be familiar with his interests. But now that he had commenced his university education, they felt it was the time to approach him. Would he be willing to consider meeting with them to discuss matters.

Secrecy was absolutely paramount. He was to tell nobody about this approach. But should be wish to proceed he was to present himself at 1400 hours on Wednesday by the car park opposite the Chancelot Flour Mill at edinburgh Dock. And be dressed in black. On his arrival, he was met by five men in

And then the interrogation began. How much alcohol did he consume? What were the names of all his girlfriends…

suits who, after a brief chat to check through his credentials, handcuffed him, stuffed a hessian bag over his head and bundled him into the back of a car.

He was then driven around at high speed for over half an hour and then taken to what they referred to as their safe house, a small, brick-built, two-bedroomed, mid-terraced house in a rundown part of the city.

He was frog-marched up a narrow wooden staircase to an empty, carpetless, first-floor bedroom and plonked down onto a plastic IKEA chair. A naked lightbulb hung from the ceiling.

And then the interrogation began. At first, the questions were about his political views, both domestic and world. Had he really voted for Jeremy Corbyn? But then they became quite personal. How much alcohol did he consume? Had he indulged in any drug taking? What were the names of all his girlfriends? The latter, they insisted, was relevant as it was vital for the service to know this to ensure that he was not compromised. They were aware that at least one of his former girlfriends was known to them as a subversive.

Finally, after about four hours, during which he was convinced that he was about to be tortured, a figure appeared dressed in a gorilla suit. The head was removed to reveal… the grinning face of his father. Not only had he concocted the whole elaborate episode but he had hired five actors to play the part of the spooks, and rented the house and the car. Furthermore, the entire affair had been all filmed and recorded and as we speak is being uploaded onto Youtube for general perusal, not just for MI6.

A cautionary tale about the perils of having a parent, I think you will agree. Happily, my daughter, torn between high moral outrage and her love of a great tale – “This is a terrible story, Dad, but…” – decided to blab.

“You had better not put it in The Field,” she finished imperiously. “I fear he is going to be left with considerable trust issues,” she added, with a smirk.